Free Dr. Nicholas Is Ridiculous! by Dan Gutman Page B

assembly.”
    â€œNot again!” yelled Mr. Granite. Every time he tries to teach us math, we get called to an assembly.
    We had to walk a million hundred miles to the all-purpose room, which has a dumb name because you can’t go scuba diving in there. Neil the nude kid was the line leader. Alexia was the door holder.
    When we got to the all-purpose room, I had to sit between Andrea and Emily. Ugh! Andrea’s elbow touched my elbow for a second, and I thought I was gonna die.

    Our principal, Mr. Klutz, was waiting for us on the stage. He has no hair at all. I mean none . I bet his head slips off the pillow when he’s trying to sleep at night.
    â€œI just got the results back from the test you took last week,” Mr. Klutz announced.
    â€œI hope we did well,” Emily whispered to Andrea.
    â€œI know I got all the answers right,” Andrea whispered back. “I looked them up in my encyclopedia when I got home.”

    â€œOur school did horribly ,” Mr. Klutz announced.
    â€œWHAT?!” Everybody gasped.
    â€œElla Mentry School got the worst scores in the whole county,” said Mr. Klutz, shaking his head sadly. “I went to a meeting, and the principal of Maroa-Forsyth Grade School was laughing at me. Clearly, you children don’t know basic history. I hate to say this, but if we don’t bring up our test scores, our school is going to be closed.”
    I jumped up from my seat.
    â€œYay!” I shouted. “No more school! No more school! No more school!”
    I figured everybody was going to jump up from their seats and start chanting “No more school” with me.
    I looked around. Nobody else was standing. Nobody else was chanting. Everybody was looking at me.
    Oops. I hate when that happens. I sat back down in my seat.
    â€œ You probably got all the answers wrong, Arlo!” Andrea whispered to me. “I bet that’s why our school did so poorly.”

    â€œYour face got all the answers wrong,” I whispered back at Andrea.
    â€œThat doesn’t even make any sense, Arlo.”
    â€œYour face doesn’t make any sense,” I told Andrea.
    Everybody was talking and whispering to each other until Mr. Klutz held up his hand and made a peace sign, which means “shut up.”
    â€œI have decided to bring in a professor from the local college to help teach you students history,” he announced.
    â€œWHAT!?” Everybody gasped again.
    â€œWe don’t want to learn history from some boring college teacher,” somebody yelled.
    Everybody was upset, even some of the teachers.
    â€œOh, you’re going to like Dr. Nicholas,” Mr. Klutz told us. “She’s a world-famous historian who has traveled everywhere and written many books about history. She was even on Oprah .”
    Everybody gasped and said, “WOW,” which is “MOM” upside down.
    â€œWhat was she doing on Oprah?” asked Ryan.
    â€œShe should get off Oprah,” said Michael.
    â€œOprah could get hurt,” said Alexia.
    â€œIs Oprah okay?” said Emily.
    â€œWho’s Oprah?” I asked.
    â€œDr. Nicholas will be coming into your classroom to teach you some basic history that everybody should know,” said Mr. Klutz. “Then a week from today you’ll get a chance to take that test over again. I think that with the help of Dr. Nicholas, you’re going to score much higher. And I’ll be able to laugh at those other principals. That will be the icing on the cake.”
    More cake? Why is everybody always talking about cake?
    â€œAnd now,” Mr. Klutz said, with a big sweep of his arm, “I’d like to introduce . . . Dr. Nicholas!”

4
The Good Old Days
    Dr. Nicholas came out on the stage. She looked really old. She had white hair tied up in a bun in the back, * and she walked with a cane—really slowly. I’ve seen glaciers move faster than Dr. Nicholas. I could have