Free Dr. Nicholas Is Ridiculous! by Dan Gutman

1
The Big Test
    My name is A.J. and I hate tests.
    Tests are no fun at all. If you ask me, we should take all the tests and throw them into a giant garbage can.
    No, I take that back. If you ask me, we should throw all the tests into a giant paper shredder . Shredding paper is cool. Sometimes my dad lets me shred papers for him at home. I wish I could shred stuff all day long.
    Especially tests.
    At school the other day, we were minding our own business when our teacher, Mr. Granite, said the most horrible thing in the history of the world.
    â€œClear off your desks. It’s time for a test.”
    â€œWHAT?!” everybody yelled.
    â€œNoooooooooooooo!” shouted Michael, who never ties his shoes.
    â€œI didn’t study for a test!” shouted Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.
    â€œThat’s not fair!” shouted Alexia, this girl who rides a skateboard all the time.
    â€œYou didn’t tell us we were going to have a test!” shouted Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.
    Everybody was freaking out! It was like we just heard the news that a meteor was about to destroy the earth. *
    Well, almost everybody was freaking out.
    â€œI love tests!” said Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair.
    â€œMe too!” said her crybaby friend Emily, who agrees with everything Andrea says. “Tests are fun!”
    Those two probably study for tests when they could be watching TV or playing video games and having fun. What is their problem?
    â€œRelax!” said Mr. Granite. “Every student in the state is taking this test today. You don’t have to study for it. The Board of Education just wants to find out how much you know.”

    â€œI’m bored of education,” I announced.
    Mr. Granite walked around the room and put a sheet of paper on each of our desks—face down.
    â€œDo you all have a number two pencil?” he asked.
    We all started giggling because Mr. Granite said “number two.” Everybody knows what “number two” means, and it doesn’t have anything to do with pencils. They should really use a different number for pencils so kids wouldn’t confuse them with the other number two.
    â€œTake your time,” Mr. Granite told us. “These are questions every American should be able to answer. In fact, many of these questions are given to people who want to become citizens of our country.”
    â€œWhat if I don’t know the answers?” I asked.
    â€œDon’t worry, A.J.,” said Mr. Granite. “This test will be a piece of cake.”
    It didn’t look like a piece of cake to me . It looked like a piece of paper . What did cake have to do with taking a test anyway?
    Hey, maybe we were going to get cake after we finished taking the test!
    â€œWhen I say Go, turn over your test sheet,” said Mr. Granite. “Ready . . . set . . . GO!”

2
A Piece of Cake
    I turned over my test sheet and looked at the questions. There were fourteen of them. The top line said we had to fill in the blanks. I grabbed my pencil.
    Â  1. Who was the first president?
    Well, that was easy. I wrote down the answer— Abraham Lincoln . Next!
    Â  2. What is the 4th of July?
    Any dumbhead knows that. I figured it had to be a trick question, like “What color is the White House?” I wrote down the answer— It’s the 4th day in July .
    Hey, this test wasn’t going to be so hard after all.

    Â  3. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
    Hmmm. I had to think about that one for a minute. I’ve seen my mom and dad sign contracts and stuff at home. I wrote— At the bottom .
    Â  4. Can you name the thirteen original colonies?
    That was simple. I wrote— Yes, I can .
    Â  5. What are the three branches of our government?
    I wasn’t sure about this one. Mr. Granite once told us about three somethings, I