Free KNOT: A Wake Family Novel by M. Mabie

night, I was content with my fingers under the warm water and my fantasies. Pretending as I watched them, that I was Janel and Ives was Reagan Warren as I listened to their ecstasy, I found my own. Dreaming about what could never be.

 
    Reggie—Saturday, September 18, 2010
     
    I t could never work. Why did it always feel like we’d been doomed from the start?
    How could I tell her I’d like to go back to the very moment we met?
    I would have kissed her there in front of the whole fucking party. I would have palmed her ass so everyone saw, but mostly because she liked it.
    I would have never given in.
    “I’d go back to the beginning and do everything I second guessed.” So many times, I avoided my instincts so I wouldn’t scare her away, but there we were anyway. Both losing. Regardless, there was no time machine, no magic pill to let me rewrite history. All I had was that moment. Possibly that night.
    And this time, it was my way.
    I looked at her pink skin, trembling before me. I considered telling her to move, to get into a more comfortable position. Covering her up. Coddling her.
    I resisted because that’s how she made me feel. Bent over and fucked by the mess we’d created.
    “You would have had me like this?” she asked. Her voice didn’t sound as far away as it had when I came in, but there was still that layer of protection coating it.
    “Lots of times.” I sat back and adjusted myself. I’d barely even touched her, yet I was ready to burst from the sight of her alone.
    Hold your shit together.
    “Do it now. I’ll do whatever you want.” The crack in her voice matched the ones in my heart.
    What was it worth now? After everything. After all this time. Now she wanted to submit? When it was already over.
    Still, I was just a man. Pure and simple. One who craved control and prayed to a god who never listened when I needed him most.
    Yet, there she was before me. My wildest dream.
    “Do you know how many times I’ve fantasized about hearing you say that?” I asked as I mused over those illusions. They were better. Because in them, she said it when it counted. When we still had a chance.
    “It’s only for tonight, Reagan.”
    There it was.
    One night.
    It would be over before I knew it. I’d still make her wait, but my patience wasn’t prepared. If I only had those few hours, I’d show her how good it could be and hopefully remind myself in the process. There was a chance that I’d get my gall back and be happy we were through so I could get back to women who liked sex the way I did.
    A voice in the back of my mind reminded me Nora didn’t like it, and it almost spoiled my mood. There was no pleasure in forcing anyone to do what they didn’t want to.
    “Why?” I needed to hear it.
    “Because I want you to.”
    I closed my eyes and let those precious words sink in, and I swallowed them. It might have been a lie, and if she would’ve stopped there I would have been satisfied, but she continued, “I want to please you. I want you to have what you want for once. Show me .”
    I was at a precipice. Have her like I wanted—how I’d always dreamed. Or live blissfully unaware for the rest of my life how good it could be. She’d said only one night.
    And goddammit I’d never wanted anything so bad. I would have taken the rest of her nights in trade for this one, but she didn’t fucking offer.
    What choice was I left with? Nothing or this.
    Her body called to mine. Even if our insides never lined up, the outsides had perfected the act. We fit like perfect mates.
    I reached behind me, opened the refrigerator, and pulled out the bucket of ice I’d filled earlier. It was mostly melted, but that was almost better. When she heard the door, she shifted her hips, so I’d have to make her wait a little longer to find out what my plans were.
    I’d play with her first.
    On the edge of the chair, I leaned into her, then blew out a stream of air. Her muscles moved feeling my breath on her wet lips. I