Free Romance by David Mamet Page B

indulge me: What is the difference, between a chiropodist and a chiropractor?
    DEFENDANT: A chiropractor aligns the spine, to create both physical and spiritual harmony.
    JUDGE: And the other fellow?
    DEFENDANT: He rubs people's feet.
    JUDGE: For
pay} {Pause)
    DEFENDANT: Yes, Your Honor.
    JUDGE: And you're
which
, now?
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, my client is a chiropractor.
{Pause)
    PROSECUTOR: All right. Do you deny this is your signature?
    DEFENDANT: May I have a moment?
{He goes into conference with his attorney.)
    JUDGE:
(TO
BAILIFF) Jimmy: Is it hot in here?
    BAILIFF: Would Your Honor like the window opened?
    DEFENDANT: I can neither deny nor affirm that signature is mine.
    PROSECUTOR: What would assist you?
    {Pause. Conference between
DEFENDANT
and his
ATTORNEY)
    JUDGE: N O , no, I think I prefer the heat to the noise.
    DEFENDANT: I cannot say that there is any
thing
which would assist me.
    JUDGE: Because it's
noisy.
Well it's
noisier
because of the
parade … {Pause)
So much of life is a choice, between the lesser of two evils.
{Pause)
I suppose that's what I'm
here
for …
    ALL:
{Dutiful laughter)
    {Pause)
    JUDGE: They rub people's feet for “pay.”
    DEFENDANT: Yes. Your Honor.
    JUDGE: Ah, well…
    DEFENDANT: I quite agree, Your Honor.
{Pause)
    PROSECUTOR: I have here a document, which bears your signature. Do you recognize it?
    DEFENDANT: It is a check.
    PROSECUTOR: It is one of your checks. It bears your account number. Your name is printed on it. It was signed byyou. Do you … and it was honored by the bank. Do you acknowledge it to be your signature? Let me put it differently: Do you
dispute
it?
    DEFENDANT: May I have a rest?
    PROSECUTOR: D O you dispute it? A check. In the amount of this credit card bill. The bill contains a charge for two airfares. Here is the credit card slip. Signed by you.
    JUDGE: Y OU know …
    PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, if I might continue, here is the check signed by you. Both signatures were accepted as valid, one by the travel agency, one by the bank. You disputed neither.
    DEFENDANT: I might have gone to Hawaii.
    PROSECUTOR: Ah.
    DEFENDANT: But that would not be said to be leaving the country.
    PROSECUTOR: Perhaps you would confine yourself to responding to my questions.
    DEFENDANT: It is not leaving the country.
    PROSECUTOR: What is not?
    DEFENDANT: A trip to Hawaii.
    PROSECUTOR: Y OU
went
to Hawaii?
    DEFENDANT: I did not say that.
    PROSECUTOR: Yes you did.
    DEFENDANT: But… but… might I… might I finish?
Might
I finish? Might I have an opportunity to
explain
myself? Do you think? In the midst of this, this … in the midst of this inquisition?
(Pause)
Do you think? As one human being, speaking to another? I might
do
that?
    PROSECUTOR: Might I suggest if you wish to have the proceedings terminated happily and quickly you might do well to respond to my questions? Now. Did you, in the months in question, leave the
Mainland}
    DEFENDANT:
(Pause)
I do not recall.
    JUDGE: What?
    PROSECUTOR: He does not recall.
    JUDGE: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. My mind was drifting. He does not recall what?
    PROSECUTOR: If he left the Mainland.
    JUDGE: Isn't that something one would know?
    PROSECUTOR: I quite agree, Your Honor.
    JUDGE: Don't you know, son, if you left the Mainland?
    DEFENDANT: I don't recall, sir.
    PROSECUTOR: What would assist you?
    DEFENDANT: I don't know.
    PROSECUTOR: Let me understand you: you do not know if…
    DEFENDANT: I don't know. Yes.
    PROSECUTOR: If you left the Mainland.
    JUDGE: The Mainland of what, please?
{Pause)
    PROSECUTOR: Of, of the Continent.
    JUDGE: And he doesn't
know
that… ?
    DEFENDANT: That is right.
(Pause)
    PROSECUTOR: D O you
feel.
Let me put it differently: In your
experience
in this … is such a recollection within the abilities of a reasonable man?
(Pause)
    DEFENDANT: I don't understand.
    PROSECUTOR: … I withdraw the question. And I ask you at this point, if you are suggesting Mental Incapacity.
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor …
    PROSECUTOR: D O you