Free Coco Pinchard's Big Fat Tipsy Wedding: A Funny Feel-Good Romantic Comedy by Robert Bryndza

head of Harper Collins UK, cos I’m inches away from a five book deal with them, and when he arrives he gets splattered in vomit on the doorstep.’
    ‘Oh… how terrible,’ I said.
    Xavier raised his eyebrows and managed to hail a passing cab. We thanked Angie, jumped in and drove back to my house.
    ‘Goodnight,’ he said as I climbed out of the cab.
    ‘Goodnight,’ I said. And he shook my hand.  
    I scuttled out of the taxi and up the snowy path to the door. I turned to wave but the taxi had gone. When I got in Marika was asleep on the sofa with Rocco curled up beside her, his head on her shoulder. The fire had died down and they looked so cosy, so I came up to bed.  
     

    Saturday 18th   December   12.53
    TO: [email protected]

    I was woken by my Skype ringing at six o’ clock this morning. It was Meryl. When her white drawing room came into view, it looked like a crate of Christmas decorations had exploded over everything. A ladder stood by the wall and Wilfred was screaming in the other room. Meryl was sat in front of the computer, hair on end, holding a nappy.  
    'Coco does this look normal to you!' she shrilled, holding the contents of the nappy close to the webcam.  
    'It’s six o’clock in the morning,' I said recoiling.
    ‘Wilfred did a green whoopsie!’ she said. ‘Did this ever happen with Rosencrantz?'  
    Behind her, the half-decorated Christmas tree slowly leaned into shot then fell, scattering baubles and tinsel.
    ‘Oh Fiddlesticks!’ screamed Meryl leaping up and kicking the christmas tree. ‘I’ve been decorating this Norwegian Spruce all night! No wonder the bloody Queen has Servants! I’ve still got three days of catering and a grouse shoot to try and organise!’ She gave the tree a final exhausted kick and sat back down.
    ‘Won’t a grouse shoot be hard to organise, in Milton Keynes?’ I said.
      ‘It’s all under control,’ she said through gritted teeth. ‘Now please Coco, look at this whoopsie!’ I peered at it and confirmed it did look unnaturally green. She jumped up shouting,
      'Tony! TONY! Get the car ready we need to go to Hospital NOW!' She hurdled the giant Christmas tree and ran through the living room door. I suddenly remembered something,
    'Didn't Ethel just buy Wilfred some crayons?' I shouted. Meryl returned wearing her coat with her car keys in one hand and the nappy in the other.  
    'Meryl, check where the green crayon is!' I said. She dropped the nappy in the doorway and rushed out again. I sat looking at the empty room for a minute as Wilfred carried on wailing. Marika shuffled up behind me in her dressing gown. On the screen Tony appeared in the doorway and slipped over on the nappy with a cry. Then Meryl rushed back shouting happily,
    'The green crayon is missing! I repeat the green crayon is missing!' Then she slid over in the mess on top of Tony.  
    'Is this YouTube?' said Marika blearily. I had to turn the camera off I was laughing too hard.
    Tony phoned back a little while later. I was feeling very bad about laughing. I felt worse when he said that they had discovered bits of the green crayon in the nappy, and that Meryl is frantically trying to get the stain out of the carpet. I could hear the carpet cleaner, Meryl and Wilfred all screaming.
      'I think I'm going to make her a cup of tea and pop in some Valium when she's not looking,’ he said wearily. ‘She hasn't slept in days you know... This bloody Sandringham Christmas. I just wanted to sit under the tree with Wilfred and watch his face as he opened his prezzies.’  
    I don't usually have much time for Tony, but I felt very sorry for him. He wished me a Merry Christmas and put down the phone. I joined Marika and Rocco downstairs for egg on toast and little milks. I told her about my antics at Angie’s Christmas party.
    ‘Jeez Cokes,I knew you’d gone out dating too soon,’ she said. ‘But even a normal person would struggle to create that much drama. Still every