Free Ex-girl to the Next Girl by Daaimah S. Poole Page B

doctor. She had deep, dark olive skin and black hair French-braided.
    â€œAny history of mental illness in your family?” she asked with an accent.
    â€œNo,” I answered quickly, but then I thought of my dad, who was sick in a V.A. hospital. I rephrased my answer.
    â€œWell, yes, my dad was in the military and he suffers from mental illness, but only because of the chemicals from the war.” As the young doctor wrote something on her clipboard, I stood up and said, “Listen, I’m not crazy.” Me saying I wasn’t crazy probably confirmed that I was.
    â€œYou’re not?”
    â€œNo, I’m not. I, I just can’t take all the pressure that’s building up on me anymore. I do everything without any help.”
    â€œEverything like what?”
    â€œEverything. Take the kids to school, pick them up, homework, ironing clothes, dishes, trash—you name it, I do it. And when I try to talk to my family about it, they say So what? I tell them I need a break, but nobody gives me one. I’m always stuck with my kids. They are with me from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. The only time I get a break is when I’m at work. And that’s another story. They will just say something like, You are not the first person to raise children alone. And I just need help. I’m not crazy. I just need a break. I swear to you,” I said as tears began streaming down my face. I continued, “I’m not crazy at all. I never think about hurting myself or my kids. It’s just I’ve been having a hard time since my son’s father left me at our wedding. I love my life—not my circumstances, though. Some days I can’t stay up; others I stay up all night and can’t go to sleep. I didn’t mean to hit that car. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been having really bad headaches and been very sleepy.”
    â€œYour headaches are probably coming from stress. Listen, I don’t think you are crazy. You do not belong in here. However, I am going to suggest that you seek outpatient care. I’m going to refer you to a psychiatrist. Every day we bottle up things that we need to get out of our mind and system. And sometimes talking about them relieves us of all the stress that we have inside. I’m going to also give you a prescription for Lexapro and Ambien to help you sleep. Do you have someone who can watch your children?”
    â€œYes, I’ll find someone. I’ll pay someone.” I wanted to say anything to get out of this place.
    â€œWell, I suggest that you don’t return to work for a few days and just take it easy. The nurse will bring in your clothes.”
    â€œThank you,” I said as I waited for the nurse to bring my belongings.
    I was released after I was given my prescriptions and signed a release form. I called my mom and she said she would meet me at my house. I caught a cab back to my car. I tried to think about everything that happened. What could be bottled up inside of me? I released all my pain from Malik. I think. I cried every tear that I am going to cry for him. Who knows? I thought to myself as I drove toward my house.
    â€œSo what’s the verdict?” my mom asked as I walked in the door.
    â€œThe doctor said I had a mental breakdown.”
    â€œThose doctors don’t know what they are talking about. You are in control. That’s why it is called mental mind over matter. What I do want is for you to take it easy.”
    â€œI have been.”
    â€œNo, you haven’t. I’ll come over and help you. And we have to teach Kevin how to do something like dishes.”
    â€œHe’s too young.”
    â€œNo, he is not. It is time to put him to work. So you can get a break.”

Chapter 9
    Shonda
    I got a card in the mail to take the exam. Me and Tae went to the test site, and it was a whole lot of people out there. We ain’t never going to get this job