Free The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile by Dirk Wittenborn, Jazz Johnson Page B
Authors: Dirk Wittenborn, Jazz Johnson
Most important, if anyone later asks how your evening with the Big Fish went, leave out the disappointing sexual details and simply say, “He was fantastic!”—Big Fish always appreciate those who provide false advertising.
THE SECRETS OF BEING A GREAT GUEST
A s the novice social climber who begins to attend more elaborate and sophisticated social functions, more will be expected of you as a guest than was required at the basic cocktail party. Those rudimentary hit-and-run guerrilla tactics that got you through your first drinks party as a Mountaineer will not be enough to guarantee success at many of the social events you will soon be invited to.
It’s okay to get out of an unpromising conversation at a cocktail party with that time-honored excuse, “I have to freshen my drink,” but if you use that excuse too often people really will begin to think you have a drinking problem, even if you didn’t meet them at one of those AA meetings we told you to go to when you first came to town.
Crass but true, the trajectory of a social climber’s ascent is determined by both the quantity and quality of the invitations he or she receives. In other words, you have to be popular, well-liked, and sought-after in spite of the fact you have far less tooffer than your host or hostess surmises. Fool them but never yourself. Whether a social climber lives la dolce vita or dies alone depends on likability.
What’s more, to truly make your dreams come true, you have to be popular, well-liked, and sought-after not just for a night or a month or even a year; you have to prove your fabulousness 24/7/365 throughout the course of your whole life.
Yes, that’s a daunting task, but only if you look at it as a task—envision it as your manifest destiny and it becomes a privilege.
EMPOWERING THOUGHT #14
Social climbing isn’t a part-time occupation, it’s a calling. You are joining a priesthood where those who’ve mastered the teachings of this Bible never have to fly commercial again.
While the priest sells faith and some might say superstition, you are selling something real, tangible, something you care about deeply and genuinely believe in—yourself.
For the Mountaineer, being a great guest involves more than simply self-confidence and having great manners. It means learning how to make yourself an asset to any and every social function you attend. You must deport yourself in a way that makes you as essential an ingredient to the party’s success as the choice of caterer, or the regiftability of the items in the goodiebag. In short, your host or hostess must be able to count on you to add to the fun of the fete, even when you don’t feel fun or their idea of fun is so unbearable, you’d prefer to be sitting in a dentist’s chair getting a root canal.
Note: The rules are different if you are a social climbing Big Fish and are in a position to reciprocate, quid pro quo, with lavish star-studded soirees of your own. For those lucky enough to belong in that tax bracket, a different set of rules apply, which will be covered later. For now, suffice to say the rule of thumb is, the more power/money/fame you possess, the more tolerant polite society will be of sulky, boorish, and out-and-out rude behavior.
EMPOWERING THOUGHT #15
A great social climber does not judge the rich and powerful by his or her own standards. In polite society, a Big Fish big enough to weigh in as a Whale who gets caught having sex with a poodle is not a “perv” but an “animal lover.”
Is such a double standard fair? Of course not, but when one embraces a life dedicated to upward mobility, one accepts the innate hypocrisy of the twenty-first-century class system. Why? Because it gives the social climber the moral high ground.
Since we do not make the rules, we can feel righteous whenwe bend them for personal gain. The trick is to make the most out of Big Fish hospitality without your host or hostess feeling used.
Often being a great guest means
THE SECRETS OF BEING A GREAT GUEST
A s the novice social climber who begins to attend more elaborate and sophisticated social functions, more will be expected of you as a guest than was required at the basic cocktail party. Those rudimentary hit-and-run guerrilla tactics that got you through your first drinks party as a Mountaineer will not be enough to guarantee success at many of the social events you will soon be invited to.
It’s okay to get out of an unpromising conversation at a cocktail party with that time-honored excuse, “I have to freshen my drink,” but if you use that excuse too often people really will begin to think you have a drinking problem, even if you didn’t meet them at one of those AA meetings we told you to go to when you first came to town.
Crass but true, the trajectory of a social climber’s ascent is determined by both the quantity and quality of the invitations he or she receives. In other words, you have to be popular, well-liked, and sought-after in spite of the fact you have far less tooffer than your host or hostess surmises. Fool them but never yourself. Whether a social climber lives la dolce vita or dies alone depends on likability.
What’s more, to truly make your dreams come true, you have to be popular, well-liked, and sought-after not just for a night or a month or even a year; you have to prove your fabulousness 24/7/365 throughout the course of your whole life.
Yes, that’s a daunting task, but only if you look at it as a task—envision it as your manifest destiny and it becomes a privilege.
EMPOWERING THOUGHT #14
Social climbing isn’t a part-time occupation, it’s a calling. You are joining a priesthood where those who’ve mastered the teachings of this Bible never have to fly commercial again.
While the priest sells faith and some might say superstition, you are selling something real, tangible, something you care about deeply and genuinely believe in—yourself.
For the Mountaineer, being a great guest involves more than simply self-confidence and having great manners. It means learning how to make yourself an asset to any and every social function you attend. You must deport yourself in a way that makes you as essential an ingredient to the party’s success as the choice of caterer, or the regiftability of the items in the goodiebag. In short, your host or hostess must be able to count on you to add to the fun of the fete, even when you don’t feel fun or their idea of fun is so unbearable, you’d prefer to be sitting in a dentist’s chair getting a root canal.
Note: The rules are different if you are a social climbing Big Fish and are in a position to reciprocate, quid pro quo, with lavish star-studded soirees of your own. For those lucky enough to belong in that tax bracket, a different set of rules apply, which will be covered later. For now, suffice to say the rule of thumb is, the more power/money/fame you possess, the more tolerant polite society will be of sulky, boorish, and out-and-out rude behavior.
EMPOWERING THOUGHT #15
A great social climber does not judge the rich and powerful by his or her own standards. In polite society, a Big Fish big enough to weigh in as a Whale who gets caught having sex with a poodle is not a “perv” but an “animal lover.”
Is such a double standard fair? Of course not, but when one embraces a life dedicated to upward mobility, one accepts the innate hypocrisy of the twenty-first-century class system. Why? Because it gives the social climber the moral high ground.
Since we do not make the rules, we can feel righteous whenwe bend them for personal gain. The trick is to make the most out of Big Fish hospitality without your host or hostess feeling used.
Often being a great guest means
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