Free The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile by Dirk Wittenborn, Jazz Johnson

hadthis surgical procedure. . . .” Make it clear that it’s nothing contagious or so serious as to force you to close shop forever. Just a small plumbing problem that will rule out any attempt at intercourse for the next six months. In the meantime, you’ll be free to flirt, flatter, and kiss as many frogs as necessary to get where you want to go.
    We strongly suggest that those readers who still think they have what it takes to climb the ladder via a series of sexual conquests go back to the mirror and remove their clothes. If after a second naked, hard look at yourself, you are still convinced you have the physical assets and moral elasticity to screw your way to the top, hats off to you and remember the following:
    a) While many Big Fish of both sexes will be impressed if you have had an affair with the likes of Mick Jagger, Rihanna, Tom Cruise, Rachel Maddow, or Taylor Swift, and will be intrigued by your previous romantic attachment to someone richer and more powerful than themselves, boasting you had a quickie in the bathroom stall of a nightclub with such luminaries will be decidedly less impressive.
    b) Never admit to anyone, much less yourself, that you had sex with someone to gain entrée, access, or a free ride on a G7.
    c) Social climbers don’t sleep around, they simply fall in love easily with men and/or women who by mere coincidence always seem to be very rich, very famous, and/or very generous.
    An informative role model for our female readers who want to Mountaineer while remaining horizontal is Pamela Harriman, aka the Whale Huntress.
    Marriage #1: At nineteen, Harriman is set up on a blind date with Winston Churchill’s son, Randolph; she tells him he will recognize her because she is “chubby.” Despite the fact that Randolph is known for getting drunk and asking all of his first dates to marry him, three days later they are officially engaged.
    Moral: Great social climbers do not let average looks or the substance abuse problems of their mates get in the way of a good ride. Also, they do not stop dating up the food chain just because they are married. . . .
    Affairs While Married to Randolph
    Averell Harriman—Union Pacific heir.
    Jock Whitney—Owner of the
New York Herald Tribune.
    Bill Paley—President of CBS.
    Edward R. Murrow—World-renowned journalist.
    Moral: A great social climber who is married does not stop trying to move up in the world. (Unfortunately, Pamela was unable to get any of the above boyfriends to leave their wives.)
    Affairs After Divorcing Randolph
    Gianni Agnelli—Heir to the Fiat automotive fortune.
    Marquis Alfonso de Portago—Spanish millionaire, playboy, and race car driver.
    Prince Aly Khan—Millionaire racehorse owner and future husband of Rita Hayworth.
    Stavros Niarchos—Greek shipping tycoon.
    Baron Élie de Rothschild—Heir to the French banking fortune.
    Frank Sinatra—(This affair cannot be confirmed, but he was definitely in her “friend” group.)
    Moral: A great social climber knows that once you sleep with one Whale, other Whales will want to sleep with you, too.
    Marriage #2: Harriman marries Leland Heyward, legendary Broadway producer of such hits as
South Pacific
. Unfortunately, when Heyward dies, Pamela is horrified to discover that after she had actually been faithful to him, he left half of his meager fortune to his children by his previous marriage.
    Moral: Even great social climbers experience setbacks.
    Marriage #3: Pamela discovers the third time is truly lucky. Averell Harriman, the Whale who got away, marries her six months after his wife dies. His fortune enables her to become the number one fund-raiser for the Democratic Party. Young Whale president Bill Clinton thanks her for her largess by making her ambassador to France. Befitting one of the greatest Mountaineers ever, she dies swimming laps inthe pool of the Ritz Hotel in Paris. As was once said of Harriman, “She was a world expert on rich men’s bedroom