Free The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile by Dirk Wittenborn, Jazz Johnson Page A

ceilings.”
    Moral: If you don’t succeed at first, try, try, and try again.
    A thought-provoking role model for our male readers who think they have what it takes to sleep their way to the top is Porfirio “Rubi” Rubirosa, aka the Pepper Grinder. Whereas Pamela was a master technician, a courtesan who knew how to make the most of her assets, Rubi was a natural sexual athlete.
    Rubi’s wives included the daughter of Rafael Trujillo, president of the Dominican Republic, and two of richest women in the world, tobacco heiress Doris Duke and Woolworth heiress Barbara Hutton. It’s not what he received in his divorce settlements that make him special, though he was given a B-25 bomber that had been customized into a flying hotel suite, a seventeenth-century mansion in Paris, and a coffee plantation in the Dominican Republic. What makes Rubi a role model is that while servicing rich women he had the staying power to satisfy an endless list of sex goddesses from Marilyn Monroe to Zsa Zsa Gabor. How did he keep it up, you ask? He had a God-given gift for riding more than just polo ponies and race cars.
    To the male readers who have taken off their clothes and looked in the mirror and still think they can follow Rubi’s footsteps into the boudoir, know that his popularity with grateful and generous ladies was due in no small part to the fact that his penis was so large it earned him the nickname the PepperGrinder, that is, the twenty-four-inch, two-handed model that French waiters to this day still refer to as “Rubirosas.” No question, Rubi deserves an asterisk in the record book due to the fact that he climbed so many mountains pre Viagra.
    Moral: Social climbing is all about maximizing your human potential.
    Note: Gentlemen who think they can sleep their way to the top à la Rubi should also recognize the cruel truth that it is far harder for a man to fake a convincing orgasm than it is for a woman.
    Rarer than being blessed with a pepper grinder at birth is the one-in-a-million chance that you will turn out to be the kind of social climber who meets your first Big Fish, falls in love, and has genuinely fantastic sex. But if the dice do happen to roll that way for you, we urge you to ask yourself the question every social climber should consider when they look at the person next to them in bed: “Is this really the best I can do for
me
?”
    Social climbers never settle for less than what they deserve.
    It’s important to add that those readers who do not have or like sex should feel neither left out nor disadvantaged—some of the most successful social climbers are in fact asexual. Not being a slave to your hormones, undistracted by the biological urge to procreate, you will be able to focus your entire mind and body on what’s truly important—friends who will enrich your life and lead to friendships that will bring you so much entrée, acceptance, and power in your own right that other people will want to suck up to you.
    If romance isn’t in the running, you won’t be viewed ascompetition with straight, gay, bi, lesbian, or transgender Big Fish. And thus, you will be more trusted. Said Big Fish will seek out your unbiased opinion of their boyfriends, girlfriends, potential wives, fiancés, etc. The truly asexual can be objective and serve as an all-purpose beard. How you can take maximum advantage of this trust will be covered in our Networking chapter.
    We live in a changing world. Socially ambitious men who provide escort to society women, whose husbands are either dead, away on business, or seeing their mistresses, aka Walkers, were once almost exclusively gay. Today, in a throwback to the times where eunuchs ruled the sultan’s harem, the job of Walker is often best filled by the genuinely asexual.
    Everyone makes mistakes; when you wake up next to one, do not panic.
    Merely gather your clothes quickly and explain that you’d love to linger but you have to get home and change for an important meeting.