Free Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need by Dave Barry

So one day a customer was in the Town Club Bar, complaining to Raffety that he didn’t get enough maggots in his tube, so Raffety said, okay, show me—even though this was not his Official State Motto—and so the customer poured his maggots out on the bar, and some of the more dynamic ones started crawling away, and eureka, 6 the idea of racing maggots to raise money for charity was born. They built a maggot racecourse and took bets and everything. We spoke to the Town Club owner, Phil Schneider, and he said they’d hold more races if tourists came around and created a popular demand. So we definitely recommend that you make this your first Montana stop. Don’t set your food down on the bar.
    Other Montana attractions include nature and the headquarters of the world’s largest intercontinental ballistic missile complex, where tourists are welcome to come in and spin the big “Select-a-Target” wheel.
Nebraska
    Although it is usually thought of as a farm state, Nebraska boasts two area codes, 402 and 308, as well as the National Museum of Roller Skating, which is in Lincoln and is, shockingly, the
only museum in the world dedicated solely to roller skating
. Nebraska is also the only state in the union with a “unicameral” legislature, defined as “a legislature that bears its young underwater.” But Nebraska was not always a bed of roses. When the first settlers arrived, they found a harsh, unforgiving place, a vast, treeless expanse of barren, drought-parched soil. And so, summoning up the dynamic pioneer spirit of hope and steely determination, they left. But a few of them remained and built sod houses, which are actually made from dirt. Think about that. You can’t
clean
a sod house, because it would be
gone
. The early settler parents had a hell of a time getting this through to their children. “You kids stop tracking dirt out of the house!” they’d yell. Nebraska’s Official State Weakness is fudge.
Nevada
    Let’s get one thing straight: There is more to Nevada than just Las Vegas. There is also the part that you have to drive through to
get
to Las Vegas. Fortunately you can do this at upward of 130 miles per hour, because there is no speed limit in Nevada. In fact there are no laws at all in Nevada. Even murder is legal, but it rarely happens, because people get distracted. A guy will be on his way to kill somebody, and he’ll pass a slot machine, and he’ll figure, what the heck, so he’ll put in a quarter, and pretty soon he’s broke and has to pawn his gun to get more quarters. The result is that Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship. Las Vegas is also a cultural center, featuring extravagant theatrical productions in which world-class performers express the artistic concept: “Get a load of these hooters.” And
definitely
do not miss the Liberace Museum, which presents a fascinating piano-oriented view of history. One plaque reads: “With Abraham Lincoln as president, the Civil War was raging when the Steinway Company of New York created this fine piano made of solid rosewood.” We can just imagine the scene at the Steinway Company that fateful day: The board of directors is seated around the conference table, grim-faced, and the chairman says, “Gentlemen, Abraham Lincoln is president, and the Civil War is raging! We must make a fine piano of solid rosewood!”
    Nevada is also a Mecca for lovers of fine concrete, who will want to visit the Hoover Dam, which was completed in 1936 and resulted in the formation of the Grand Canyon. There is a guided tour of the dam, which your children will surely want to take seventeen or eighteen consecutive times while you go back to Vegas and shoot some craps.
New Hampshire
    New Hampshire (formerly Vermont) contains many rustic little villages with names like “East Thwackmore” featuring quaint little inns where the harried visitor can escape from the high-pressure modern