Free Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need by Dave Barry Page A

world, with its pesky flush toilets and central heating. New Hampshire is also the home of the famous New England town meeting, a dynamic example of “democracy in action” wherein once a year all the residents of each town gather to lick syrup off each other’s thighs. One of New Hampshire’s most popular attractions is the famous “Old Man of the Mountains,” a natural granite formation that, when viewed from a certain angle, looks like rocks. New Hampshire’s Official State Onion Dip Enhancer is chives.
New Jersey
    New Jersey—nicknamed “The New Jersey Turnpike State”—boasts the nation’s densest populationand convenient access to a number of important bridges and tunnels. It’s also a dynamic summer playground, drawing millions of visitors each year to attractions such as Atlantic City, one of the few seaside resorts that would actually be improved by the arrival of an oil slick. Among New Jersey’s many historic sites is Giants Memorial Stadium, erected to mark the burial location of Jimmy Hoffa; visitors are welcome to come place a wreath on his memorial goalposts. The Revolutionary War also occurred in New Jersey, where on Christmas night, 1776, George Washington crossed the Delaware River near Trenton and, in one of the great surprise maneuvers in the history of warfare, found a decent restaurant. New Jersey’s Official State Disease is gout.
New Mexico
    New Mexico offers many fascinating and dynamic attractions that you will want to see before you run out of water and die. For example, you should definitely check out the Native American heritage. If you see some Native Americans, you just say, “Hey! Would you Native Americans mind posing for some pictures here? I got it! How about if you pretend that you’re trying to scalp Louise! Ha ha!” This will make you very popular. You might even get invited to go behind a building for a Special Ceremony.
    Also be sure to visit Carlsbad Caverns, an awesome geological formation in which visitors maywitness the grandeur of more than 250 million bats. Do not startle them. The first atomic bomb was also built in New Mexico and is very slowly being restored to its original condition by workers with tweezers and extremely good eyesight.
New York
    “The Empire State” is of course dominated by New York City, the “Big Apple,” filled with the bustle and excitement of millions of energetic, sophisticated, urbane people experiencing numerous only-in-New-York thrills such as making it all the way to work without getting peed on. As Frank Sinatra put it in his immortal and dynamic rendering of New York’s Official Horrendously Overexposed Hit Show Tune, “New York, New York”:
    If I can make it there ,
    I can afford to move to Stamford, Connecticut .
    Here are some tips for getting maximum enjoyment from your trip to New York:
    1. Cancel it immediately.
    Ha ha! We are just kidding, of course. New York is in fact a major tourist destination, drawing millions of visitors each year, the majority of whom are never robbed and stabbed and left onthe sidewalk to bleed to death while being stepped over by enough people to populate the entire state of Montana. Their secret? They follow certain common-sense New York City safety rules, such as:
Always walk at least 30 miles per hour.
Always keep your money and other valuables in a safe place, such as Switzerland.
Avoid unsafe areas, such as your hotel bathroom.
Never make eye contact. This is
asking
to be mugged. In the New York court system, a mugger is automatically declared not guilty if the defense can prove that the victim has a history of making eye contact.
    Getting around New York is easy, thanks to the convenient and simple subway system. The major lines are the IRT, the BMT, the SAT, the LSD, and QED, which operate crosstown, midtown, downtown, thrutown, and camptown trains that are local and quasi-express only with alternating stations northbound between 59th Street and the corner of Twelfth Avenue and