Free Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs (Backlist eBook Program) by Dave Barry

WARNING!
     
     
    Do not read this book. It will put bad songs into your brain.
    Actually, that statement is not quite accurate: The bad songs are already in your brain. Your brain has an amazing capacity to remember bad songs. This is because of the way your brain assigns memory priority, as shown in this chart:
Memory Priority Assigned by Your Brain
Type of Information
Low
Your ATM number; your blood type; the location of your car keys; names of people you have known for years.
Medium
Totally useless information you learned in fifth grade, such as the capital of Vermont. 1
High
Commercial jingles for products that as far as you know no longer exist, such as Bosco. 2
Ultimate Highest
Songs you really, really hate.

    So I can guarantee you that many, if not most, of the bad songs discussed in this book are already festering somewhere in your brain. The good news is, most of the time these songs are dormant. The bad news is, every now and then something will wake one of the songs up, and you will have a hard time making it go back to sleep.
    For example, you’ll be enjoying a pleasant day at home, reading a book, when suddenly somebody—perhaps a trusted family member—will, out of the clear blue, hum just a few notes of the song “(I Never Promised You a) Rose Garden.” Since this is a song that you have detested from the first instant you heard it, your brain has assigned it a prime memory location. The song immediately wakes up and starts echoing in your skull so that no matter how hard you try to focus on your book, all you can hear is that woman’s smarmy voice singing
    I beg your PARdon...
    I never promised you a ROSE garden!
    And since this is the only part of the song your brain remembers, it repeats it over and over and OVER AND OVER AND OVER, sometimes for days , until you want to commit suicide by driving off a cliff, except you can’t remember where you left your car keys.
    That is the danger posed by this book. This book lists dozens and dozens of songs that are so bad they make “(I Never Promised You a) Rose Garden” sound, in terms of musical quality, like “The Messiah.” 3 If you keep reading, you’re going to have all kinds of bad songs waking up and creeping around inside your brain, refusing to die, just like the corpses in the movie The Night of the Living Dead , except all the corpses did was eat innocent civilians, which is not nearly as bad as causing innocent civilians to hum “A Horse with No Name.”
    You may ask: “Dave, if this book is such a bad thing, why on Earth should I buy it? What can I do with a book that I’m not supposed to read?”
    The answer is: You can give it to somebody you don’t like. This book is an extremely powerful psychological weapon; it can immobilize even the most powerful intellect.
    Suppose you’re a candidate for a big promotion, but the other candidate is a coworker who happens to be very smart. All you have to do is surreptitiously leave this book on his desk (after first tearing out this warning section). After he reads just a few pages, he will have the brain functionality of an ashtray. He’ll be staring at important work papers, trying desperately to read and comprehend them, but he will be unable to do this because he will hear Gary Puckett’s voice inside his brain, howling:
    YOUNG girl, get out of my mind!
    My love for you is way out of line!
    His career will be over. The end will come when he tries to make an important presentation, and he blurts out, in front of the corporation’s top-ranking officers, that he is too sexy for his shirt.
    That is the kind of weapon this book is; that is the power it has. Use it wisely.
    And whatever you do, don’t turn the next page .
     
     
    I’m Really
Serious.
    Do Not Turn
the Page.
    You Will
Regret It.
     
    Okay, I see I’m going to have to use drastic measures to get your attention. I didn’t want to have to do this to you, but it’s for your own good:
    Muskrat Suzy
    Muskrat Sam
    Do the