Free Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything by Kevin Seccia Page A

happening? Do Mark Wahlberg and this dinosaur know each other? Or did they just meet up here randomly a minute ago? And why do they want to fight me? Is this a dream? What do Mark Wahlberg and this dinosaur do together when they’re not trying to fight me?
    “Did Mark Wahlberg summon this thing from the past with a time machine? Or merely discover a dino egg that he then nurtured with love and tenderness, until it hatched out from under him and the specially made ‘dino-egg nest pillow’ he’d been squatting on?”
    The answers are: DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. You’ve got a creature with a walnut-size brain to fight, and he’s got a dinosaur with him. Honestly, it really doesn’t matter why. Let’s just say they like each other’s company and connect on some level. Now, the only tool you’ll need for this fight is a toaster with an extra-long extension cord. Plug it in and set it aside, it’ll come into play later. Tackle Wahlberg first. A quick glance at the threat he poses can seem daunting, due to the following:
    1. He’s from Boston, which is very impressive to people from Boston.
    2. He often wears a leather jacket. (This tells you he’s no nerd, otherwise he’d be wearing glasses, like nerds do, and not a leather jacket, like nerds clearly don’t do. )
    3. His level of physical conditioning is unknown. (Does anyone know if he works out? I’ve never heard anything about that.) And—
    4. His greatest weakness (an inability to avoid movies, projects, and endeavors that are terrible) is not something that can be exploited in a physical encounter.
    However he’s actually not that big of a threat. To begin, FLIP BOTH OF THEM OFF, then immediately take off running toward a heavily wooded, rain forest-type area. The ’saur will quickly lose sight of you, but ’berg will pursue enthusiastically. Once you’re far enough into the underbrush, turn and confront him.
    Step one in defeating Mark? You’ve got to trick him into putting on a cow costume. Now, there are many ways to do this, as you’ve no doubt seen documented on plenty of Web sites. However, for those of you too lazy to google, “Mark Wahlberg, cow costume, trick him into it,” I’d say the easiest way to do it is to, on the spot, quickly churn out a horrendous screenplay starring a cow, and then offer to let him audition once he puts on the costume.
    I know what you’re thinking: “I’m not a writer … The script will be unreadable. He’s probably going to know it sucks, etc.” My answers, in order: “I know, it will, and he really won’t.” Trust me, as an expert on fighting, and a guy who saw Max Payne, it will work. As he’s demonstrated over the past decade, for whatever reason, Wahlberg is unable to discern the quality of a script before buying, filming, and then appearing in it. ONLY THEN, AND NOT A MOMENT BEFORE. Oh, he might suspect it’s bad, he may even make a sarcastic remark, but he WILL proceed with the audition (and then produce and star in it, if you were to let him, but it won’t get that far).
    Just grab a large leaf off a tree, and using mud, begin scrawling things on the leaf. Random words, bits of songs you remember, something your uncle once told you, it doesn’t matter. Hand the leaves to him as you finish them. At some point while he’s reading he’ll probably say, “Damn … this is some good shit you got here. What did you say you did for a living?” Just ignore him and insist he jump to the part where he has to don a cow-suit.
    Once Wahlberg puts on the suit, have him follow you back into the open. Tempt him with: “Mark, I think I saw a ‘set’ or ‘moving picture machine’ over this way,” where the waiting T. rex will devour him …
    Step one complete.
    Now deal with the dinosaur. I can already see you skipping ahead. “T. rex? That’s easy, I just trick it into putting on a cow-suit, then wait for a bigger T. rex to come along and eat it, right? Or maybe I find some new, even bigger monster,