Free Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything by Kevin Seccia

open the encyclopedia and saw a picture of this giant snake, which was, in fact, billed as the “world’s biggest snake” I started to believe him. I mean, I’d never heard of it and here it was in the encyclopedia! He must be telling the truth, right?
    After a few haircuts and much pestering to see the creature, John told me that the snake had been beaten up and eaten by … a gorilla. The gorilla was his new, equally reclusive and prone to daytime sleeping, pet. All haircut long I’d stare at the crack under the door, eyes locked, looking for his shadow to pass by. I never saw one, but if I had, I’m sure that it would’ve convinced me the ape was real … despite the fact that the presence of someone in the backroom of a barbershop is hardly scientific proof of the existence of a gigantic, eerily quiet gorilla.
    Many years later, as a wiser and fully grown man, I understand that those stories were probably just him messing with some silly kid. It’s unlikely he was telling the truth, it’s borderline impossible and probably nothing but bullshit. I know that. However …
    I can’t afford to take that chance. I can’t afford to just go ahead and assume that’s the case. ’Cause if I did? I’d be a fool. I’d be putting at risk countless men and boys just looking to get a safe, gorilla-free haircut, and I’d deserve whatever fate befell me at the hairy hands of this ape to best all apes.
    No. I must prepare for all scenarios and situations. Maybe that wide-eyed kid knew something, sensed something we no longer can, as adults. No, for the purposes of our training, that ape was real … and he must pay, the same as anyone else. With an ape-sized ass whooping.
    Here’s how you beat that impeccably groomed gorilla with the oddly trendy haircut and close shave. Oh, you don’t think he was taking advantage of all the free haircuts he could scam from John? I bet that was the bargain the two struck. He probably said, “Listen, ape. You hang out here and let me spin yarns of your great exploits, if anyone ever tries to break in and rob me, you step in. For that, you get all the free cuts you’d ever want. We’re talking everything. Shampoo, perms, highlights, the works!”
    So, we know the ape is larger than a normal ape, and we know the ape is incredibly vain. The years of primping and styling in that mirror-filled room have changed him. He’s … a fancy ape. His hair needs to be just-fucking-so; he don’t care how long it takes. If you had your own personal chef for a year, you’d get pretty damn picky about your food, right? Same principle applies here.

    This ape thinks he’s better than you.
    When that simian bursts through the door, regardless of whether your haircut is done, calmly wave the barber off … and wait. Remain calm as the ape bears down on you. When he’s five feet away, jump up, flinging the protective poncho outward, in his direction. The hair will momentarily blind him. Then, remove the poncho, pull that little white strip of paper off your neck, and put up your dukes.
    When he regains his sight, you leap in with a wide hook, and clip him right on that big monkey jaw. He won’t expect it. He’ll stagger for a second. Then, you reach up with both hands and muss up that pretty head of hair of his. He’s going to freak out. He’ll grab a comb, go over to the mirror, and attempt to fix his coif. Punch him in the kidneys while he’s facing the mirror. He’ll be too transfixed by his hair to see you. When the shot lands he’ll turn and come for you but you’ll muss his hair up again, causing him to again forget you and return to the mirror. Repeat this until he’s had enough.
    Return to the chair and finish that cut. No need to neglect your grooming just ’cause of a little fight with a monkey. Tip the barber double on your way out.
    HOW TO BEAT UP A TYRANNOSAURUS REX AND ACTOR MARK WAHLBERG
    I can already hear your confused questions: “Wait, what? Why the hell is this