Free Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything by Kevin Seccia Page B

then trick the T. rex into a giant costume of whatever it is the bigger thing eats!”
    Um … no. Don’t be stupid. Most T. rex don’t care about acting. Those that do are far better at telling a good script from a bad script than Mark Wahlberg.
    The Tyrannosaurus rex (known as the “thunder lizard” due to its habit of frolicking in grassy meadows during rainstorms) is easily the most violent, bloodthirsty predator ever to earn the adoration of children the world over. You’re going to be disappointing many, many children with what you’re about to do, just know that.
    Take out a second cow-suit and using pantomime, reveal to the lizard that he just ate his buddy, Mark Wahlberg, and not some random, vaguely suspicious-looking cow with a human face that stood on two legs. He will shed a massive dino tear that will roll off of him, shaking the ground on impact. Grab the toaster you’ve set aside and hurl it into the tear-pond now at the creature’s feet. The beast will be instantly electrocuted. Done!
    Urgent warning: Now that you’ve beaten the creature, you’re going to be tempted to treat yourself. PLEASE, though we all know it’d be delicious, resist the urge to make yourself a plate of celebratory toast. That toaster is still electrified and could prove fatal.

 

     
    The ultimate, most prized, and cherished evolution of the lowly human. Whether they did something great, or something truly awful, matters little. They have achieved the pinnacle. Having attained this position, after a brief period of bliss, the rest of the humans will seek to tear down the “celebrity.” They do it metaphorically. We don’t.
    HOW TO BEAT UP DAVID HASSELHOFF
    Ah, but which Hasselhoff to target? The ’80s designer jean wearing, hunk-throb “Michael Knight”? The ’90s swimsuited and slow-motion version from Baywatch ? Or the current, bloated version probably mere moments away from some new public calamity? The only way to cover all your bases ( rebel bases—Star Wars reference) is to game plan for the best Hasselhoff imaginable—a supercharged Hasselhoff, comprised of every era’s Hoff, in possession of the very best qualities of all the diverse characters he’s played over the years. And he’ll have a talking car.
    TARGET PROFILE
    PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES:
    David will have the extra lung capacity and endurance required of a Malibu-certified lifeguard, the caginess and wherewithal of an operative of the Foundation for Law and Government (the organization that David’s character worked for on the show Knight Rider ), and the uh, propensity for poor decision making and wildly inappropriate behavior of the current David Hasselhoff.
    WEAPONS/GEAR:
    His fight attire will consist of the leather jacket worn during the filming of Knight Rider, granting him a greater-than-average resistance to body punches and brass knuckle attacks on the areas covered by the jacket. He will also be wearing the skimpy red shorts from Baywatch, granting him increased mobility and flexibility below the waist. Perfect for kicking and then leaping gracefully out of harm’s way.
    David will be wearing a watch capable of summoning a talking car. Specifically, KITT (Knight Industries Two Thousand). Not, like, any talking car that happens to be in the vicinity. That would be ridiculous.
    VEHICLE:
    A talking car. KITT has the ability to “micro jam” certain electronic and mechanical equipment, so don’t plan on using your cell phone during the fight. In fact, never plan on using your cell phone during a fight, even when not facing a talking car with jamming technology. Not for any strategic reason, it’s just rude. If you’re punching a man in the face when your cell buzzes, glance at it quickly, turn it off, apologize, then resume battering him in the neck and head region.
    KITT has the ability to “turbo boost” into the air. He sometimes uses this to slam through chain-link fences. He’s also virtually indestructible. If David is able to