Free The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy With Autism by Naoki Higashida

off?’
    Shun grew afraid again.
Am I dying? No, no, I’m already dead. But what’s going to happen to me now? If only Mum …
Shun’s whole body started shaking.
    The old man noticed. He gave Shun a concerned hug. ‘There’s nothing to worry about. You’ll only be gone for an instant.’
    Only gone for an instant?
Shun was confused.
What’s going to become of me?
Slowly, surely, the scene in front of Shun grew hazy, and he collapsed on the spot.
    Down in his deep and dreamless sleep, Shun was thinking,
How come people have to die? There’s still so much I want to do
. Then, fearfully, Shun opened his eyes to see what had happened. An ancient man in white robes stood before him, and it dawned on Shun that this must be God. In fact, this God was the spitting image of the one Shun had seen at the art museum.
Wow, God, I’d better be on my best behaviour
. To pay his respects, Shun leapt to his feet.
Huh? My feet are gone! So ghosts really do float around without any feet
. But then Shun realized something that nearly gave him a heart attack: ‘It’s gone! It’s completely gone! My body isn’t anywhere!’
    This was too much, and Shun lost his head, forgot that he was in the presence of God and started freaking out.
    ‘Oy, oy, oy, there’s no need for that,’ said God. The voice seemed vaguely familiar to Shun, as if he’d heard it long ago. ‘You’ll hardly be needing your body now you’re dead, will you? All the things that used to tie you down and hold you back, they’ve gone now.’
    Oh, that’s right, yes … I’m dead
. Despite the fact Shun had no body, all the energy drained right out of it. ‘Please, sir, what’s going to happen to me?’
    ‘Absolutely nothing’s going to happen to you, because – well, look around you – you’ve gone to Heaven.’
    So what’s this place like, exactly?
Shun examined his surroundings. The dark was darker than the depths of night, but scattered all about with pulsing stars.
I never saw so many stars where I used to live … wow. Stars really are infinite
. Lost in their pure beauty, Shun gazed and gazed, letting thoughts of his death slip away.
    ‘For the time being, do whatever you wish,’ said God. ‘I dare say you’re still very much attached to your last life, and still have unfinished business to chew over. But you’ll come to understand how things stand, by and by.’ And with that, God’s outline began to waver and vanish like mist dissolving into more mist.
    It’s all very well for Him to say
, ‘Do whatever you wish,’ Shun thought. He was at a loss. He looked down, and there he saw the Earth, piercingly blue and beautiful in the darkness.
So this here is Space I’m standing in. But what do I do now? How am I supposed to live when I don’t even have a body? All alone, as well. The first thing I have to work out is how do you live when you’re dead.
Shun had not a notion.
    For a while, Shun stayed where he was.
This Heaven sure is different to how I used to imagine Heaven would be. I used to think that Heaven was full of wonderful things to eat and fun things to do all day, with nothing to make you suffer or give you a hard time
. Shun shouted out loud: ‘Hey! What’s going on here? Just take me back home, right now!’ No sooner had he said this than Shun felt himself hurtling away at a velocity he had never before experienced.
    Now where am I? Wait, yes, this is my house
. ‘Mum?’ Shun rushed from room to room, looking for his mum. He found her in the Japanese-style room, next to the living room. Shun’s heart was pounding. ‘Mum?’ He called her from behind, softly.
    She did not turn around for him.
    I’m well and truly dead now, aren’t I?
    Shun’s final hope was completely dashed. Downcast, he went around to stand in front of his mum so he could at least take a proper look at her face. She looked so sad and crushed in her black clothes. In his mind, Shun apologized to her.
Mum, I’m so, so sorry I died
…
    Between Shun