Free MA08 Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections by Robert Asprin

mention a very hard glint in their otherwise bored-looking eyes.
    I struggled to sit upright, but wobbled as a wave of dizziness washed over me.
    “Steady, Skeeve! You’re going to need your wits about you for this one!”
    Kalvin was hovering, his face lined with concern.
    “W ... what happened?” I said.
    Too late I remembered that I was the only one who could see or hear the Djin. Ready or not, I had just opened the conversation with the others.
    “It seems you fainted, boyo,” the policeman supplied.
    “I theenk he just does not vant to pay for zee food he ordered.” That was from the Pervect who had seated me, but his words brought it all back to me. The special dish from Klah!
    “He served me a roast Klahd on a platter!” I said, leveling a shaky but accusing finger at the Pervect.
    “Is that a fact now?”
    The policeman cocked an eye at the Pervect, who became quite agitated.
    “Non-sense! Eet is against the law to serrve sentient beings without a li-cense. See for yourself, Offi-sair! Thees is a replica on-ley.”
    Sure enough, he was right! The figure on the platter was actually constructed of pieces of unidentifiable cuts of meat with what looked like baked goods filling in the gaps. The rat seemed to be authentic, but I’ll admit I didn’t look close. The overall effect was, as I can testify, horrifyingly real.
    The policeman studied the dish closely before turning his attention to the waiter once more.
    “Don’t ya think it was a trifle harsh, servin’ the lad with what seemed to be one of his own?”
    “But he deed not look like thees when he came in! I on-ley served heem what he asked for ... sometheeng from Klah!”
    That’s when I became aware of the fact that my disguise spell was no longer on. I must have lost control of it when I fainted. When it disappeared, however, was not as important as the fact that it was gone! I was now seen by one and all as what I really was ... a Klahd!
    The policeman had now turned his gaze onto me and was studying me with what I felt was unhealthy interest.
    “Really, now,” he said. “Perhaps you could be tellin’ how it is you come to be wearin’ a disguise in such a fine place? It couldn’t be that you were plannin’ to skip out without payin’ fer yer meal, could it?”
    “No. It’s just that ... ” I paused as a wave of dizziness passed. “Well, I’ve heard you can get better service and prices on Perv if folks don’t know you’re from off-dimension.”
    “Bad answer, Skeeve,” Kalvin hissed, but I had already figured that out.
    The policeman had gone several shades darker, and his head almost disappeared into his neck. Though his tone was still cordial, he seemed to be picking his words very carefully.
    “Are ya tryin’ to tell me you think our whole dimension is full of clip joints and thieves? Is that what yer sayin’?”
    Too late I saw my error. Aahz had always seemed to be proud of the fact that Pervects were particularly good at turning a profit. It had never occurred to me that to some, this might sound like an insult.
    “Not at all,” I said hastily. “I assumed it was like any other place ... that the best prices and services were reserved for locals and visitors got what was left. I was just trying to take advantage of normal priorities, that’s all.”
    I thought it was a pretty good apology. The policeman, however, seemed unimpressed. Unsmiling, he produced a notepad and pencil.
    “Name?”
    His voice was almost flat and impersonal, but managed to still convey a degree of annoyance.
    “Look. I’ll pay for the meal, if that’s what the problem is.”
    “I didn’t ask if you were payin’ for the meal. I asked you what your name is. Now are you going to tell me here, or should we be talkin’ down at the precinct station?”
    Kalvin was suddenly hovering in front of me again.
    “Better tell him, Skeeve,” he said, his tone matching his worried expression. “This cop seems to have an Eath up his Yongie.”
    That