Free Love Always, Damian by D. Nichole King

and I don’t do the heart-to-heart thing. However, tonight I make an exception. I blame it on Dylan’s shitty beer.
    “Ellie came by to tell me we have a kid together,” I say, then top off the beer.
    Dylan’s eyes widen. “A kid?”
    I open the second bottle. “Yep. She’s three and a half.”
    “Holy shit, dude,” Dylan says, sitting up.
    “That’s what I said.”
    “Wait.” Dylan’s brows furrow. “Three and a half?”
    My roommate is stellar when it comes to repeating what I’ve told him.
    “Three and a fucking half,” I confirm.
    I wait while he puts it together. Dude’s smart. Won’t take him long.
    He shakes his head. “After Kate.”
    Dylan knew about my “relationship” with Ellie. He never approved, but he kept his mouth shut, which I appreciated.
    “Yeah. After Kate,” I verify.
    “Okay then, what’re you going to do?”
    I take a long drink, then shake my head. “Nothing.”
    “Nothing? You serious?”
    “One hundred percent. They’re both better off without me.”
    Dylan takes a second to digest what I said. “So, Ellie just came here to tell you she had your kid three plus years ago, and that’s it? She didn’t ask for help or child support or anything?”
    “No. She earned herself a spot on some big research project in the Great Barrier Reef for two months and needed someone to watch Lia during that time.”
    “Lia as in Liam ?”
    “Lia Kathryn to be exact.”
    “Fuck, man.”
    “Tell me about it.” I suck down more beer.
    “And you don’t want Lia while she’s gone?”
    The whole evening replays before me, and I have no regrets. Slowly, I shake my head again.
    “Why the hell not, man?” Dylan asks, his voice raising some. I understand why. Dylan’s dad bailed on his family before he was even born. Tough stuff to deal with. “She’s your daughter.”
    “Because I’ll make a shitty-ass father, that’s why,” I tell him as I finish off the bottle.
    “So you’re just gonna let them leave and never see her again.”
    “That’s the plan. They fly out tomorrow, back to the sunny skies of Florida where they belong. Far, far away from me.”
    Dylan pauses for a moment, incredulous. “Let me give this to you straight, man.” He leans forward. “You are a fucking coward, Damian. A selfish, fucking coward. You have the opportunity to get to know your own daughter, and you’re going to squander it for what? So you can spend the summer drunk off your ass, scoring with a bunch of chicks who don’t give a damn?” He shakes his head, pissed off at me. “You think if you let her go now you won’t lose her, but dude, from where I’m standing, it looks like you already have.”
     
    ~*~
     
    When I wake up the next morning, my hands are unrecognizable. Still covered in blood with strips of skin hanging off them, they resemble raw hamburger. I shower and let the soap slither under what’s left of my skin. It stings, but I can’t go to the hospital on my first day with knuckles like this.
    Working for my dad should be something I never want to do again, yet other than at the cemetery, it’s the only other place I feel close to Kate. It’s where we first met, so I spend my summers on the oncology floor of Methodist Hospital in Des Moines.
    I wrap my hands in bandages the best I can. I’ll see if one of the nurses will help me out when I get there. Someone who won’t ask for an explanation. Yeah, right.
    Dylan’s not up when I leave. After his lecture last night, I finished off the rest of his nasty beer and went to bed. I don’t give a fuck if the dude’s studying to be a psychiatrist; he’s got to stop analyzing me. I know what the fuck I’m doing.
    At least, I did last night.
    This morning, though, I’m not so sure.
    They’re better off without me , I repeat for the thousandth time to fend off my growing impulse to keep Lia this summer.
    As I pass the counter to swipe my keys off it, a familiar swell of emotion fills my chest. The purple pony Lia gave