Free Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas

issue in our relationship that we had talked to death over the previous two decades. Lisa acknowledged her need to grow in this area, but events of the previous weeks had convinced me that nothing had changed.
    I felt resentful, and in my resentful mood, I can slip into what I call “brain suck.” I start building my case. Like a lawyer, I recall every slight, every conversation, and prove to my imaginary jury how wrong my wife is and how right I am.
    Suddenly, I remembered the widow of Zarephath. I decided to apply the truth from this passage, so I mentioned something about Lisa’s personality for which I felt very thankful. That reminded me of something else, which reminded me of something else, which reminded me of yet another quality. After about fifteen minutes, I literally started laughing. I saw so much to be thankful for that it seemed preposterous that I should waste time fretting over this single issue.
    Prayers of thankfulness literally form our soul. They very effectively groom our affections. Leslie Vernick explains this from a counseling perspective: “Cognitive therapists know that what we think about directly affects our emotions. If we think on negative things, nursing bad attitudes or critical spirits, our emotions take a downward spiral. Conversely, if we think on things that are good, true, right, things that we are thankful for, then our emotions can be uplifted.”
    Make liberal use of this powerful tool. We have to give it time. One session of thankfulness will not fully soften a rock-hard heart. But over time, thankfulness makes a steady and persistent friend of affection.
    Drop Unrealistic Expectations
     
    I found one of the wisest tidbits on marriage I’ve come across in a long time when I read the words of Patricia Palau, wife of the famous evangelist Luis Palau. Patricia says she knew, even before marrying Luis, that her husband intended to zealously fulfill God’s call to reach the lost: “God wants everyone to be saved (1 Timothy 2:4), and there have been times when I thought my husband was determined to do his best to reach the last four billion lost souls for Jesus Christ.” 6 Because of Luis’s call, Patricia faced certain difficul-ties that would drive some women crazy: “extensive travel, lengthy separations, and mothering four boys alone at least a third of the time.” Add to this an uncertain income and living in three countries during the first few years of their marriage, and you might expect to find a resentful, bitter wife.
    Not if you talk to Patricia.
    Here’s that bit of wisdom I said was coming: “We expected things to be different from the norm. We also knew up front that we couldn’t meet each other’s needs 100 percent. That realization protected us from disappointments that result from unrealistic expectations.” 7
    Your husband will not meet 100 percent of your needs. He probably won’t even meet 80 percent. If you expect him to, you’re going to become frustrated, bitter, resentful, and angry. God didn’t set up marriage to meet 100 percent of your needs! Your beef isn’t with your husband; it’s with the one who created marriage! When you ask more of your marriage than God designed it to give, you have only yourself to blame for your frustration.
    You may be tempted to reply, “But my expectations are legitimate, and he’s not meeting those!”
    Just know this: that’s what every angry and disappointed woman says. I’m not saying this to scold you or to deny the hurt you’re feeling but simply to open your eyes to the hard, but ultimately nourishing, truth. I want you to find satisfaction rather than live in constant frustration.
    Patricia discovered that accepting the role of the cross in her life helps her check her own desires. Listen once more to this wise woman:
Perhaps some things are improved by a lack of inward focus. Instead of focusing on our marriage or our desires, Luis and I have focused on the call of God on our lives. We have lived