Free Jeneration X: One Reluctant Adult's Attempt to Unarrest Her Arrested Development; Or, Why It's Never Too Late for Her Dumb Ass to Learn Why Froot Loops Are Not for Dinner by Jen Lancaster

maybe he’s just trying to guess how big my pores are under this mask?
    I shift in my slippers. “Again, I can’t say I saw it. The knob’s not visible from my desk. But I heard it.”
    “Ma’am, this is very important. I need to ask you one more time,
did they try the door?
”
    I scratch the side of my face and bits of clay crumble onto myrobe. “I definitely heard what sounded like someone thumping against it. I’d bet
my
life on it, but in good conscience I can’t bet anyone else’s. I didn’t
see
them try the door with my own eyes. So in all fairness, I can’t say that they did.”
    The officer seems to deflate a little as he takes down this bit of information.
    I have to appear in court next month now. Because I didn’t
see
them try the door with my own eyes, they’re charged only with simple assault and trespassing. Yet there’s not a single doubt in my mind that they tried the knob. I know what I heard. I firmly believe they wanted to enter my house and fill all their empty bags with my stuff. Period.
    What really chaps my ass is how much volunteering I’ve done lately with organizations that help women on parole. As part of my efforts, I’ve been teaching computer skills to women in a halfway house. At first the ladies just wanted me to help navigate Facebook so they could find old boyfriends, but after they began to trust me, they let me see their résumés. I’ve done some creative writing in my time, but I’m stretched to an entirely new level when tasked with explaining an eight-year gap in employment history. [
Ten were it not for good behavior.
]
    The thing is, I really enjoyed working with the women. I coached them on job skills and we worked on interview questions. I tried to make them feel empowered and confident, helping them recognize the positive things they’ve done in their lives. As we spent more time together, I wondered exactly how much of their crimes stemmed from poor choices and how many weredue to being in the wrong place or getting involved with the wrong man. As far as I was concerned, they paid their debt to society and helping them transition back into it felt like I was making a difference.
    Yet with this one instance, I suddenly question all the times I’ve been at the halfway house and I wonder if some of these women weren’t smiling politely while wondering how they’d look wearing my pearls or driving my car. I’m so angry that an ex-felon, likely one who’s gone through the exact kind of program where I’ve been coaching, let herself into my locked gate and thumped my front door that I’m not sure I want to continue working with the program. Suddenly, I feel a whole lot less charitable, like my efforts have been for nothing.
    Afterward, while Fletch gets ready for bed, I sit on the side of the tub and keep him company. As we conduct a postmortem of the event, we discuss how it feels like society has gone downhill since we were kids. Growing up, I couldn’t even fathom the idea of a potential home invasion. The greatest crime I could name back then was that Brooke Shields didn’t personally respond to my fan mail.
    Okay, technically I wrote to extend the hand of friendship… and also hit her up for some free Calvin Klein jeans, but still, I’m sure she had plenty to spare and my letters were
charming
. [
People were just being polite about the unibrow, honey. If you’d have responded to me, as your real friend, I’d have told you the truth.
]
    While we chat, it occurs to me what the catalyst has been for our societal slide.
    “You know who started this whole downward spiral?” I query.
    “Um… Liberals fighting with conservatives?” He’s just finished washing his face and I hand him a towel.
    “Nope.”
    “The Cold War?”
    “Guess again.”
    “The implosion of the subprime lending market?”
    “Bzzt. One more guess.”
    “Ted Turner’s introduction of the twenty-four-hour news cycle?”
    “You’re never going to guess because the answer is