Free Jeneration X: One Reluctant Adult's Attempt to Unarrest Her Arrested Development; Or, Why It's Never Too Late for Her Dumb Ass to Learn Why Froot Loops Are Not for Dinner by Jen Lancaster Page A
Authors: Jen Lancaster
Starbucks. Our downward spiral can neatly be placed at the feet of Starbucks.”
Don’t get your lattes in a bunch—please understand that I have nothing but admiration for how the Starbucks Corporation runs their business. I respect their use of Fair Trade products, their concerns for the environment, and their groundbreaking efforts to provide benefits for part-time employees. That shit changes lives, you know? And I adore Starbucks’ consistently high-quality products so much that at any given time my blood type is Iced Caramel Macchiato with Two Splendas. [
Unless it’s Gingerbread or Pumpkin Spice Latte season, of course.
]
Fletch loads up his Sonicare with toothpaste. “This should be good. Continue.”
“Starbucks has high operating costs because they’re paying out a lot of money for health insurance. Just imagine how many of their employees need MRIs after helmetless bike accidents and how much they must shell out on antibiotics for piercings gone awry. Not cheap, right?
That’s
why they’re charging four dollars for a cup of coffee. Overhead, baby, overhead.”
Through a mouthful of foam he asks, “How does this relate to a couple of tweakers scaling our fence?”
“Ah, I’m glad you asked. See, the consumer is willing to shell out four bucks for delicious coffee because it is delicious.”
He gives me an odd look in the mirror. “Did you already take your Ambien?”
“Shut up, and no, I’m doing that right now.” I wash down my Ambien with a quick sip from his water glass. “I’m high on Vitamin A—adrenaline. Tell you what, those tweakers are lucky my shovel wasn’t handy. ANYWAY, when people drop four dollars on a cup o’ joe, they’re way less likely to throw it away when they head into previously beverage-free bastions like stores, churches, classrooms, what have you.”
Fletch blinks in a manner that I interpret as encouragement. I continue. “My theory is that our compulsive Starbucks consumption prompted us to stop following the ‘No Food or Drinks’ rule. Now here’s where it gets tricky—”
He spits and rinses, blotting his mouth with a towel. “I’m all ears.”
“The issue is that the no food or drinks tenet has been just as much of a societal pillar as other biggies like ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill’ and ‘Respect the Sabbath’ and ‘No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.’ So my point is that being allowed to circumvent one of the very basic rules of society has opened the gateway to our growing more lax in all things moral, ethical, and legal.”
“Is this the kind of thing you do after I go to bed? I always suspected you were up late looking at LOLCats or Real Housewife gossip, but clearly you’ve been hitting conspiracy theory Web sites.”
He exits the bathroom and heads into his closet, returning with a pair of SpongeBob-print pajama bottoms. If our tweakers arrived five minutes later, I wonder if he’d have seemed quite so imposing clad in those.
I follow along behind him into the bedroom where we find Maisy and Loki fast asleep on the bed. Nice watchdogs, eh? But if a squirrel had tried to break in, we’d be telling a different story right about now.
I climb into my side of the bed. “I’m not claiming that the Java Chip Blended Beverage is responsible for two idiots attempting to gain entry to our home.”
He yawns and stretches and resets our house alarm before getting into bed. “That’s for a judge to decide.”
I puff my pillow and pull up the covers, attempting to eke out the portion of the bed not covered in dog. “All I’m saying is that I worry that our culturally cavalier attitude towards the basic rules could lead us down the slippery slope to complete and total anarchy.”
Fletch gives me a kiss and turns out his light. “That’s a lot to ponder… especially without your good aluminum-foil thinkin’ cap. But nice work tonight. You were very brave.”
“Thank you.”
We lie there in the dark and I can hear his breathing slow as
Don’t get your lattes in a bunch—please understand that I have nothing but admiration for how the Starbucks Corporation runs their business. I respect their use of Fair Trade products, their concerns for the environment, and their groundbreaking efforts to provide benefits for part-time employees. That shit changes lives, you know? And I adore Starbucks’ consistently high-quality products so much that at any given time my blood type is Iced Caramel Macchiato with Two Splendas. [
Unless it’s Gingerbread or Pumpkin Spice Latte season, of course.
]
Fletch loads up his Sonicare with toothpaste. “This should be good. Continue.”
“Starbucks has high operating costs because they’re paying out a lot of money for health insurance. Just imagine how many of their employees need MRIs after helmetless bike accidents and how much they must shell out on antibiotics for piercings gone awry. Not cheap, right?
That’s
why they’re charging four dollars for a cup of coffee. Overhead, baby, overhead.”
Through a mouthful of foam he asks, “How does this relate to a couple of tweakers scaling our fence?”
“Ah, I’m glad you asked. See, the consumer is willing to shell out four bucks for delicious coffee because it is delicious.”
He gives me an odd look in the mirror. “Did you already take your Ambien?”
“Shut up, and no, I’m doing that right now.” I wash down my Ambien with a quick sip from his water glass. “I’m high on Vitamin A—adrenaline. Tell you what, those tweakers are lucky my shovel wasn’t handy. ANYWAY, when people drop four dollars on a cup o’ joe, they’re way less likely to throw it away when they head into previously beverage-free bastions like stores, churches, classrooms, what have you.”
Fletch blinks in a manner that I interpret as encouragement. I continue. “My theory is that our compulsive Starbucks consumption prompted us to stop following the ‘No Food or Drinks’ rule. Now here’s where it gets tricky—”
He spits and rinses, blotting his mouth with a towel. “I’m all ears.”
“The issue is that the no food or drinks tenet has been just as much of a societal pillar as other biggies like ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill’ and ‘Respect the Sabbath’ and ‘No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.’ So my point is that being allowed to circumvent one of the very basic rules of society has opened the gateway to our growing more lax in all things moral, ethical, and legal.”
“Is this the kind of thing you do after I go to bed? I always suspected you were up late looking at LOLCats or Real Housewife gossip, but clearly you’ve been hitting conspiracy theory Web sites.”
He exits the bathroom and heads into his closet, returning with a pair of SpongeBob-print pajama bottoms. If our tweakers arrived five minutes later, I wonder if he’d have seemed quite so imposing clad in those.
I follow along behind him into the bedroom where we find Maisy and Loki fast asleep on the bed. Nice watchdogs, eh? But if a squirrel had tried to break in, we’d be telling a different story right about now.
I climb into my side of the bed. “I’m not claiming that the Java Chip Blended Beverage is responsible for two idiots attempting to gain entry to our home.”
He yawns and stretches and resets our house alarm before getting into bed. “That’s for a judge to decide.”
I puff my pillow and pull up the covers, attempting to eke out the portion of the bed not covered in dog. “All I’m saying is that I worry that our culturally cavalier attitude towards the basic rules could lead us down the slippery slope to complete and total anarchy.”
Fletch gives me a kiss and turns out his light. “That’s a lot to ponder… especially without your good aluminum-foil thinkin’ cap. But nice work tonight. You were very brave.”
“Thank you.”
We lie there in the dark and I can hear his breathing slow as
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