Free November by David Mamet

ACT ONE

     
    At rise
, CHARLES SMITH
and
ARCHER BROWN
in an office
.
    CHARLES: (
Reading a list
) What is this? What is this? One spot in Cleveland One in Cincinnati … Why?
    ARCHER: You see the polls?
    CHARLES: What happened to never say die?
    ARCHER: I saw the polls.
    CHARLES: You saw the polls, how bad can my numbers be?
    ARCHER: You broke the machine.
    ( ARCHER
hands
CHARLES
a sheet of paper
.)
    CHARLES: Can these numbers be right? These numbers can’t be right.
    ARCHER: They’re right.
    CHARLES: Why? Why? We won the first time, Archie. Four scant years. Why have they turned against me now?
    ARCHER: Because you’ve fucked up everything you’ve touched.
    CHARLES: We’re a forgiving people.
    ARCHER: Time to cash out, Chucky. Sell a couple pardons, call it a day.
    CHARLES: Nobody’s spending any money on me. That’s the problem, Archie. They dint cut me off, I’d be beating the other guy into Marshmallow Fluff. All I need, I need, some
money
…
    ARCHER: And an issue.
    CHARLES: How about “continuity.”
    ARCHER: You’ve screwed the country into a cocked hat.
    CHARLES: Yes, but at least I’ve done
something
. What has the other fella done? Have you thought of that?
That’s
the basis of an ad! Get me the committee.
    ARCHER: They’ll let you keep what you got, put it in your pocket, but they ain’t buying any more air.
    CHARLES: (
To phone
) Get me the committee.
    ARCHER: You’re done, Chuck … (
The phone rings. To phone
) Hello.
    CHARLES: Gimme that. (
Takes phone
) Barry … Cathy. Hi. Hon? Hon, can I … Cathy, I can’t talk now … (
To
ARCHER ) Can my wife take the couch? (
To phone
) Take, take the couch where, hon?… Why do you assume we’re going home … (
To
ARCHER ) ’Cause she hasn’t seen any ads on TV. And can she take the couch?
    ARCHER: No, she can’t take the couch.
    CHARLES: No, you can’t take the couch, hon. (
To
ARCHER ) She had it re-covered.
    ARCHER: It was re-covered with taxpayers’ money.
    CHARLES: It was re-covered with taxpayers’ money, Cath. (
To
ARCHER ) Can she reimburse the taxpayers? And does she get a discount because the couch has been used … Cath? (
To
ARCHER ) Get me out of here …
    ARCHER: (
Loudly
) Mr. President, Iran has launched a nuclear strike.
    CHARLES: What?
    ARCHER: Iran has launched a nuclear …
    CHARLES: Ca … Cath? Iran has launched a nuclear strike … (
To
ARCHER ) Or could she
uncover
the couch and take the unupholstered couch …
    ARCHER: She can’t take the couch. (A
second phone rings
. ARCHER
answers
.) Hello. Barry, one moment.
    CHARLES: (
To phone
) Cath, I have to, Cath, I’ll have to call you back. I’m not being cheap, Cath … I’m … I’m, yes, I’m trying to save money, ’cause WE’RE GOING HOME BROKE, Cath, and we’re being bombed by Iran, so I have to hang up. ( ARCHER
hangs up
.)
    ARCHER: Why is the couch so important to her?
    CHARLES: She wants it for the Library.
    ARCHER: The Library?
    CHARLES: My Presidential Library. (
Pause
) What are you telling me? (
Pause
) I gotta have a library. Archie? Don’t I have, like, a, uh, a Library, uh, an Exploratory, uh …
    ARCHER: No.
    (
Pause
)
    CHARLES: What is it about me people don’t like?
    ARCHER: That you’re still here.
    CHARLES: Wait—doesn’t everybody get a library?
    ARCHER: No.
    CHARLES: It’s not in the Constitution?
    ARCHER: No.
    CHARLES: Like a lovely parting gift?
    ARCHER: No.
    CHARLES: (
Pause
) Cathy’s gonna kill me.
    ARCHER: (
Re second phone line
) It’s the committee …
    CHARLES: (
To phone
) Hel … Hello, Barry … Where do you find me …? I’m at the White House, Barry. Where are you? “Nantucket.” How are
things
out there …?
    ARCHER: (
Sotto voce
) He’s screwed you on the election. He’s holding back funds. Tell him to disgorge the funds.
    CHARLES: (
Pause
) Barry, look, you’ve screwed me on the election, I need you to disgorge the funds you’re holding for my library. (
To
ARCHER ) What do I mean,