Free Julian's Pursuit by Haleigh Lovell

could I say? She was what she was—an alcoholic mother.
    Even worse, a loose cannon when she was trashed.
    When I’d first heard the words “alcoholic mother,” I was confused.
    It was a dichotomy. Mothers were supposed to be nurturing, caring individuals.
    They weren’t supposed to be falling-down drunks who turned up after a few days of being on a bender, totally volatile, juvenile, and at times even hostile.
    How could the two possibly go together?
    “Anyway.” She scowled. “Why does it even matter how much I drink? Isn’t that why you have Brianna come over and babysit when you’re not around? You don’t even trust me.”
    How can I trust you, Mom? I wanted to say. You can’t even take care of yourself. How can I trust you to take care of my son … your grandson?
    “You need to start trusting people,” she murmured faintly. “How about this new man… whatshisname ? Jared?”
    “Julian,” I corrected.
    “Are you gonna go out with him or what?”
    “He’s just someone I know from work, Mom. A friend.”
    “But he wants to be more than that.” She hiccupped. “Am I right? Or am I right?”
    I didn’t respond.
    “Let me ask you this,” Mom went on. “If everyone in our family would die if you didn’t do it, who would you have sex with at work?”
    I didn’t even know why I was entertaining her questions. “Everyone in my family?”
    “Everyone.”
    I bit down on my lower lip. “You know what? I can’t say.”
    “Hmm…” She fixed her liquor-glazed eyes on me, tapping one fingernail against her tooth. “Would it be Juuliaaaaan ?” She drew out his name with exaggerated courtesy.
    I tried to speak, failed, so I looked away.
    “See! I knew it!” she cried. “So why don’t you give him a chance? Just date him for a little bit… think of it as a free two-week trial. Like Hulu Plus or Netflix. Or Ancestry.com or Weight Watchers online.”
    “Mom, please—”
    “And if you like him, you can date him for a whole year. For free! Like Amazon Prime. And you can cancel anytime.”
    “Mom, you’ve had way too much to drink.” I shook my head. “Way too much!”
    She carried on talking as if I hadn’t said a thing. “You need to take a leap of faith, Sadie. Or take a leap into his pants.”
    “I don’t have time to date. And you, more than anyone else, should know that.”
    “I know. I know.” She began curling in on herself, drawing her knees flush against her chest. “Just don’t let me and Evan become your Achilles’ heel.” She let out a huge yawn. “Okay?”
    Within minutes, Mom was passed out on the sofa, her breathing shallow and labored.
    Sighing heavily, I stroked her back lightly, as she had so often done for me after my childhood nightmares.
    My throat tightened when I remembered how she would gather me in her arms and lead me back to bed. And there, she’d stay with me as I tried to fall back to sleep, lightly stroking my back so I’d know I wasn’t alone.
    Mom used to be my rock. She was a beacon of love, safety, home, and humility. Not this angry, bitter, hostile drunk who spent half the day at the bar.
    To this day, I blame my dad. Mom was never the same after the divorce.
    Some days I think she still loves him. I know she loved him the day she discovered the email from his mistress, giving him the flight information for their scheduled trip.
    And there were more emails. Many more.
    I never forgot the day I discovered Dad’s duplicity. I never forgot what I was doing, even what I was wearing. I was fourteen at the time and had on an old 49ers T-shirt and gym shorts, as I’d just gotten home from a track meet.
    When I walked into the kitchen to grab a drink, I found Mom weeping in front of Dad’s laptop.
    “Mom.” My voice quivered as I laid a hand on her shoulder. “Mom, what’s wrong?”
    She only cried harder and pushed the laptop away from her.
    I caught it right before it slid off the kitchen table. When I set it back down, I saw the emails from