Free William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return by Ian Doescher

distance.
    SCOUT 1
    Alack! That beast hath ta’en the speeder bike!
    We shall not let the imp steal from us so!
    SCOUT 2
    Let us fly hence and after him!
    SCOUT 3
    —Away!
    [Imperial Scouts 1, 2, and 3 mount their bikes and chase Paploo.
    HAN
    A clever ruse for one who is no more
    Than a mere lump of matted fur. He hath
    Succeeded in his plan, for now behold:
    Just one is left. [
To C-3PO:
] Remain here and await
    Our swift return.
    C-3PO
    —Though I am but a droid,
    My will is yet my own. I shall decide
    What course to take, and have decided it
    Shall better be if R2 and myself
    Remain here.
    HAN
    —Well consider’d, goldenrod.
    Now let us go, my friends, and make our way
    Unto the bunker. Guard, what ho?
    [Han Solo approaches another Imperial scout.
    SCOUT 4
    —Thou knave,
    What treachery is this?
    [Imperial Scout 4 runs after Han Solo but soon is surrounded by rebels.
    HAN
    —Such treachery
    As shall an Empire conquer. Now, avaunt,
    Thou scurvy servant of the Empire’s spite!
    [The rebels subdue Imperial Scout 4.
    LEIA
    Good friends and rebels all, are you prepar’d?
    The moment is upon us, even now:
    We shall the bunker enter sans delay,
    And what we’ll find therein we do not know.
    Belike some danger grave doth wait inside,
    Mayhap far worse than ever we imagine.
    Be ready—eyes alert and open wide!
    [Han Solo, Chewbacca, Princess Leia, and rebels enter the bunker. Several Imperial troops are inside, surprised by the rebels’ entrance.
    HAN
    Pray, mark me well, else all of you shall die:
    Move quickly to the side, and let us in.
    [Imperial troops move away, surrounded by rebels.
    Go, brave Chewbacca, guard these wayward souls.
    LEIA
    Make haste, good Han. The fleet shall be in range
    Anon.
    CHEWBAC.
    —Egh, auugh!
    HAN
    —Give me those charges, quick!
    Enter more
I MPERIAL TROOPS , COMMANDERS ,
and
STORMTROOPERS ,
running into the bunker.
C-3PO, still outside the bunker, sees them.
    C-3PO
    O my, they shall be captur’d! Misery!
    If only I could quickly warn them all.
    WICKET
    Netah muah,
    Meego thuah,
    Meego gennem,
    Puah, puah.
    [Exit Wicket in haste.
    R2-D2
    Beep, meep!
    C-3PO
    —Where dost thou go? Come back! R2,
    Stay here with me, I pray. My joints and wires
    Are burning with my terror and my fear.
    If thou dost leave, I surely shall melt down
    From all the dread that runs through me.
    R2-D2
    —Meep, squeak!
    [
Aside:
] Though small, his brave protection shall I be!
    We cannot save the others, and may not
    E’en save ourselves, but I shall not, at least,
    Desert C-3PO when he’s afear’d.
    COMMAND.
    [
to Han:
] Be still, thou rebel scum.
    HAN
    [
aside:
]    —Alas, how’s this?
    The Empire knew our plan—something’s amiss!
    [Exeunt all, with Imperial troops subduing rebels.

SCENE 2.
    Inside the second Death Star.
    Enter two
GUARDS .
    GUARD 1
    Oi! Comrade, how art thou?
    GUARD 2
    —Quite well, my friend.
    Say, didst thou hear the news?
    GUARD 1
    —What news, pray tell?
    GUARD 2
    It seemeth we have found Skywalker.
    GUARD 1
    —Aye?
    The lad for whom we have for ages search’d?
    The one o’er whom Darth Vader seems obsess’d?
    The mighty boy of whom we’ve all been warn’d?
    GUARD 2
    Indeed, the same—thou knowest whom I mean.
    GUARD 1
    Where was he, then?
    GUARD 2
    —Upon the moon.
    GUARD 1
    —Which moon?
    GUARD 2
    The moon around which we do orbit now.
    E’en Endor.
    GUARD 1
    —Can it be? Our enemy,
    The greatest threat the Empire’s ever known,
    Hath ’scaped our watch and is to Endor flown?
    How can that be, for do we not have guards
    Identifying ev’ry ship that comes?
    Hath he fool’d them to make his landing, then?
    GUARD 2
    E’en so. Lord Vader hath return’d with him.
    GUARD 1
    Darth Vader brought him here?
    GUARD 2
    —Yes. Wherefore art
    Thou so perplex’d?
    GUARD 1
    —The rebel pilot who
    Hath single-handedly destroy’d the first
    Death Star is hither brought—
    GUARD 2
    —As prisoner.
    GUARD 1
    As prisoner. Aye, that is better. But
    How came he then to