Free Choices by Sara Marion

then he walked out the door, walked away from me.”
     
    “I remember running down the stairs. I was so angry with him. I don’t know where it came from. We got into an argument. It was a breaking point for us. He accused me of wasting my life, taking everything for granted when I know first hand how life can be cut short. It was that night that I changed, I remembered it. I went into my closet and found every Ella-esque outfit I could. I would be carefree and do whatever I wanted in the moment. I would be a risk-taker, an adventurer, someone who wasn’t consumed by their career.”
     
    “And is that when you started sleeping with men? You were being the carefree Paxton?”
     
    Paxton stared at Dr. Keeler. She was trying to figure out how to answer that question. She bit her lower lip. Paxton was embarrassed by her behavior looking back on it now.
     
    “It never was about going out trying to get laid. I guess most of that was bad judgment due to how much I had consumed.”
     
    “What was it about? Why did you feel the need to go out, seek out men?”
     
    “I don’t know. I guess I wanted to show Jack that I didn’t just lay around the house crying. He accused me of isolating myself. I was, but I wanted to prove that I could get out of bed,” she waited a moment letting the scenes play out in her head. “At first, it was just going having a drink and driving around. After a few weeks, it was a couple drinks. I would take the long way home. Jack didn’t even question when I was out late. Then one night, a guy came over and bought me drinks. We were both intoxicated and I didn’t make the best choices that night. That was the first night that someone made me forget why I was even out. When we left the bar, he was just walking me to my car. I had no intention of sleeping with him, but it just happened. I did it over and over because I wanted that one moment to feel normal, the one moment when my life wasn’t shitty. That’s what those men did for me.”
     
    “How did you feel about it the next day if it wasn’t planned? You cheated on Jack numerous times.”
     
    “I felt horribly guilty. I was going to tell him as soon as I got up after the first guy. It was a Saturday and we both normally slept in but when I woke up, he wasn’t there in bed with me. I thought that maybe he was down in the office but he wasn’t. He was nowhere to be found, so I got angry and just kept it to myself. If Jack wasn’t filling my needs, I would have to fill them on my own.” Paxton paused as she remembered the array of emotions from that morning. The guilt, the loneliness, the anger, it all surged in her again. Tears formed in her eyes.
     
    “So you are still upset that he wasn’t there?”
     
    “Yes, he never came home, never called. By about eight-thirty I gave up on him. I got dressed and went out again. I didn’t sleep with anyone on the second night, I just got hammered and took a cab home. He was there waiting up for me, angry himself. He had a beer beside him and I saw a couple empty cans as well.”
     
    “Was he drunk?”
     
    “No, probably buzzed if anything. The look of hatred in his eyes was evident though. It was the first time he waited up. He tried to pick a fight but I just walked upstairs and went to sleep.”
     
    “How did the next morning go?”
     
    “It didn’t. I woke up and left this time. I went to see Jonathan that morning to see if I could come back to work. He said give it a few more weeks. Jack had told him I had been going out, I wasn’t dealing with Ella’s loss very well. I mean looking back now I wasn’t but I became even more furious with Jack. He was now interfering with my career.” Paxton clenched her fists. Her career back then was everything to her. Jack was blocking her from keeping promises to her father, to her mother.
     
    “I went out every chance I could. If a man took notice, I was thankful that someone did. Jack was barely there, we barely spoke. I don’t