Free Asimov's Science Fiction by Penny Publications

hardened again. This was not a man with whom she could speak of shared sympathy.
    "The hardest part of being a leader, Victoria," Zeller said, using her real first name, which no one ever did. It made her feel even smaller, "is not decisions, but the attrition. You will lose people. They will fall away like parts off a damaged ship. They will get angry and move planetside, they will transfer, or they will die in battle."
    She knew that. She had already lived through it. Even children lost friends when ships went down. The losses had been part of her life, like they were part of everyone's life here in the Fleet.
    "But some of them, Victoria, will disappear. Literally disappear. You won't know what happened to them ever. They will be like ghosts who haunt you through your entire career."
    "I know that," she said.
    He gave her a contemptuous smile. "No, you don't. You think you do because we all lose people, we lose things, we lose ships. But you don't, because you've never been responsible for the loss. You've never ordered a ship to go into a dangerous maneuver or into foldspace or into a battle where no one emerges alive. The responsibility is what's different, Victoria. And the responsibility makes you second-guess everything."
    She willed herself not to move. She suspected this conversation was more about him than it was about her. He was probably moved off the career track into academic administration because he couldn't handle the results of his own orders.
    "When you start second-guessing," he said, "everything you do, everything you are, is about that ghost. Every captain has one. Generals have dozens. But they acquire them during their commands. They lose people. And not every leader mentally survives those losses."
    She was convinced now: this was about him, not her. But she listened.
    She had no other choice.
    "You already have a ghost," he said. "One that you can't let go of. Your entire life has been about finding your father, and he can't be found. He is
gone,
Victoria, and nothing you do, no search patterns you develop, no tweaks you make to the
anacapa
drive, no command you give when your ship needs to go to foldspace, will ever change that."
    She wasn't sure if she should respond. But he had paused for several seconds now, so she said, "I know that, sir."
    "Intellectually, yes, you know that. Emotionally, you do not. And someday, you will risk your entire crew because of your father. You will make a decision that has nothing to do with now, and everything to do with that loss. It might not seem obvious. It might seem totally unrelated. But it won't be. And more people will die."
    She wanted to say sarcastically,
Thank you for your belief in me, sir,
but she didn't.
    Instead, she silently vowed she would prove him wrong.
    "I'm not leaving the officer training program," she said. "If I wash out, fine. But I want to do this. I think I'll be good at it. I think I'll be better at it than anything else I've ever done."
    He shook his head slightly, as if he couldn't believe her arrogance. Well, she couldn't believe his. Who was he to tell her who she was and who she would be?
    "I'm going to be watching you," he said. "The moment I see that ghost making decisions for you, I'm pulling you out. Is that clear?"
    She wondered how he would know. Would he fudge results? Would he see a "ghost" where there was none?
    But she knew better than to ask. She remained as still as she possibly could, so he wouldn't see her steeling herself for battle with him.
    "Yes, sir," she said calmly. "That's clear."
    Technically, she should have thanked him. Technically, she should have told him that he was doing the entire Fleet a favor by keeping an eye on her.
    But that was admitting weakness.
    She wasn't going to admit weakness. Especially not now.
    She wanted to command—and she would.
    And she would be so much better than Zeller ever was, than Zeller ever could be.
    But she didn't tell him that either.
    Instead, she would show him. Every