Free Alpine for You by Maddy Hunter

some protection from the wind.
    "Say, Sonya," Dick Rassmuson called out in a cloud of cigar smoke, "how much would it cost me to buy a house around here?"
    "We discuss paintings this morning! In two days you may ask me about real estate."
    "Then how about cars?" Dick persisted. "What's your average car sell for?"
    "You may ask about automobiles when I arrive at that part of my talk on day four."
    "What did you say is the name of this river we're crossing?" George Farkas wanted to know.
    "I didn't say! You don't need to know that now!"
    Wally had been right. Sonya knew everything there was to know about Lucerne. If you asked her on the right day, she might even be willing to share the information with you.
    The wind chased us along the bridge. An octagonal stone tower rose from the depths of the river and abutted the bridge near the opposite shore. It had a witch's cap of a roof and looked like part of a castle. "This is the Water Tower," Sonya told us. "It was erected in the fourteenth century and measures 140 feet from top to bottom. The people of Lucerne have used it as a watchtower, a corner pillar of the city's fortifications, a prison, and a torture chamber."
    I wondered what kind of torture the Swiss had used on their prisoners. Probably forced them to take the walking tour, with a test afterward.
    By the time we left the bridge and struck out along the promenade toward a two-towered stone church, the rain had diminished to sprinkles, but the wind was still howling off the water and cutting through every layer of clothing on my body. Sonya led us to a plaza that fronted the church and positioned herself in front of an old-fashioned black wrought iron lamppost. "Behind you is the Jesuit Church..."
    I stood on tiptoe to see her. Black coat. Black slacks. Black hair with neon yellow highlights streaked across the front. Lily Munster meets Dennis Rodman. Off to my right, Dick Teig and Dick Stolee wandered toward an area where granite steps led down into the river. I suspected that, in the summer, this would be an ideal place to sit and dangle your feet in the water, but today, I was more interested in getting inside the church to get out of the wind.
    "We can proceed into the church now," Sonya instructed. "Please use the door on the left and remember, this is a church, so..."
    "Balls!"
    I turned to my right to see an object that resembled a clump of parched sod swirling in the air above Dick Stolee's head. I heard Nana whistle through her dentures behind me. "Boy, when his hair decided to fall out, it went really fast. Lookit him. Bald as a Q-Tip. Poor fella. Someone shoulda warned him about the wind here. He mighta opted for the Velcro strips."
    He leaped into the air after the toupee, but it sommersaulted higher, floated for a moment, then dive-bombed straight into the river. "BALLS!" He shoved his camcorder at Dick Teig and ran to stand at the top of the stone steps, gesticulating wildly. "It's starting to sink. Son of a bitch!"
    I jogged over to where he was standing as the rest of the tour group filed in a hurried line into the church. He grabbed my arm. "I paid three thousand dollars for that hairpiece, Emily!"
    We stood for a moment watching it tread water. "I hope it's insured for water damage."
    Dick Teig palmed the camcorder and started filming. "The river." He panned left and right then held steady. "Dick's hairpiece in the river."
    Dick Stolee bent down to unlace his shoes. I eyed him curiously. "What are you doing?"
    "If I lose that rug, Grace will never let me buy another. I've gotta jump in there and fish it out!"
    I looked at Dick. I looked at the river. I looked at the hairpiece. "ARE YOU NUTS?"
    "There's time. It's still floating." Off came one shoe.
    "Can you swim?"
    "Of course I can't swim. No one in Iowa can swim." Off came the other shoe.
    "I bet Sonya can swim," shouted Dick Teig. "I think Sonya should do it."
    I could see Dick Teig capturing the whole event on tape: Dick Stolee diving into the river.