Free A Good Man by J.J. Murray

like them. Do I get bored easily? Not really. I have perfected the art of doing as little as possible. Am I optimistic? Sometimes. Hmm. “Sometimes” is not a possible response on this test. Better mark “Yes.” Am I always looking to do new things? No. Do I take risks? Absolutely not. Until now. Do I have a consistent routine? Yes. Do I believe people should have morals? Of course. When I doodle, what do I doodle? I don’t doodle!
    These questions are ridiculous.
    The questions about sex and relationships earned an “oh my” from Sonya. “Is sex necessary in a relationship?” she whispered. I wouldn’t know, but again, my response is not one of the possible answers. The key word is “necessary.” Hmm. No. A relationship based on sex is not a relationship. It’s only mating. How often do I fall in love? I haven’t. Where’s “never” as an answer?
    What’s this? A book cover with some skinny white lady in a skimpy teddy staring at her man who is staring out at the ocean? What would I title this picture if it were a book? Their titles are so lame. I’d call it Brr, I’m Cold, Man—Get Back in Here and Warm Me Up Now or I’ll Cut You with My Bony Frigid Elbows. That title wouldn’t fit on the cover.
    Do I listen to my heart whenever I have to make a big decision? No. I listen to my brain. If I thought with my heart, I would …
    I might have a man in my life by now.
    Do I change my mind easily? No. Well … sometimes … No.
    What is my personality color? Red, blue, green, or yellow. Those are my only choices. What if my personality color is purple? I mean, I sometimes turn red, I sometimes feel blue, I manage my green, and I ain’t yellow. What if I want to be orange or burgundy or brown?
    Sonya marked religion: “Christian—Other.” AME may be Methodist, but it isn’t the Methodist they think it is. I wish they had a choice like “His” or “None—Relationship with Jesus Christ.”
    Where would I most like to live? I’m in the suburbs now, and I like the peace and quiet it offers. If I could, would I prefer the beach or a lake? Both, but only if the bugs were kind.
    She finally arrived at the page called “About Your Mate.” My mate? Geez. I’m just looking for some companionship here. My mate? They make it sound so biological. Age range … forty to forty-five. I need someone who has lived long enough to hold an intelligent, mature conversation with me. I don’t want to spend the relationship having to explain things. And that disqualifies every one of the hunks.
    Pity.
    Height and body type? I guess like me, maybe a little taller. His interests? Why isn’t “me” one of the responses? I would hope one of his major interests would be me. Wow, what a long list of possible interests for a man. And it’s a stupid list. “Vegging” and “cuddling” aren’t on this list. Not that I’ve cuddled with anything but a pillow. No, he can’t drink or smoke, and I won’t abide even a “social drinker” or an “occasional smoker.” Ethnic background. Where’s “human”? This is the twenty-first century. We should be over all that mess. And anyway, I can’t afford to be picky at my age. Should I click them all?
    Sonya clicked them all.
    She blinked at the screen as it filled with empty white boxes, a flashing cursor in the first box. And now I have to write essays? This is ridiculous! How can all this foolishness help me decide what kind of man I want? How will any of this supply me with a man? I mean, answering a hundred questions and taking stupid tests will not help me find a man or even tell me what kind of man I want!
    Hmm. Isn’t this precisely what I’ll be doing for up to a year? I really need to—
    The doorbell rang.
    Kim! Yes!
    Sonya ran to the door, opened it, and watched as Kim brushed past her into the foyer. “Have a good trip, Kim?”
    “I have to pee.”
    The door to the half bath under the stairs closed.
    Sonya stood near the bathroom door. “You made good