Free Wheels of Terror by Sven Hassel

eating their dinners. As we reached our room Bauer shouted to Porta:
    'See you in the "Red Cat"!'
    Porta turned on his heel and threw his rifle at Bauer while he roared:
    'What's it got to do with you? You stupid animal! Mind your own business!'
    By quickly side-stepping, Bauer just dodged the rifle and ran for his own room.
    'Somebody's got nerves,' a lance-corporal said, grinning.
    He belonged to No. 2 Troop. Pluto swung his fist. It crashed into the NCO's face. Pluto said:
    'And now somebody's got a black eye, eh?'

5
    'Church parade's a big laugh,' said Porta.
    'You've just got to drone along beautifully and make it all complicated enough so nobody can understand. At every fifth word you say "cum spiritu-tuo," then change to a happy, "Dominus vobiscum". That always makes a good impression. Then swing the monstrance hard enough and the whole congregation is satisfied.'

Porta as Pope
    We sat in the armoury and played pontoon. A considerable sum lay in front of Porta. He was the only one who had any luck.
    Quartermaster-Sergeant Hauser, fed up with playing, had lost nearly 200 marks.
    'I've had enough. Bring the bottle,' he growled angrily.
    Decorated with a petrol label, it contained a mixture of cognac and vodka.
    Hauser passed it on to Porta and then round the table. Loud belches soon thundered out.
    'That skinny one you were with last night,' said Bauer to Stege, 'where did you lassoo her? I thought she looked like Sergeant-Major Schroder's wife.' He added, convinced: 'It bloody well was her! That wiggle bum can be recognized a mile off. If he discovers it, I wouldn't like to be you!'
    Stege threw himself back on to a heap of cleaning rags and roared with laughter.
    'That fat swine is rattling along in a cattle-truck between Warsaw and Kiev right now, so he hasn't got much chance. And just because 'Backside and Boots' has punished him it doesn't mean she's got to be punished. It's her birthday on Thursday too. She's having a party. That means in good German I'm the star guest. At 9 p.m. the attack starts, and each of you must bring a girl as a pass. Mrs. Grass Widow Sergeant-Major has promised us the old man's booze. The lady says he'll never need it, that he's so fat even a blind Russky can't miss if he only hears him breathe.'
    Porta hooted with laughter.
    'Yes, I was in the orderly-room when "Backside and Boots" gave him what for. Brandt and I nearly choked with laughter. He's transferred to the 104th Infantry, and if he doesn't get his block knocked off at the start, he'll loose his fat in fourteen days and look like a fence post.'
    Pluto stood up copying von Weisshagen:
    'Well, Hauptfeldwebel, things are not so well with you, what? We've been made fun of long enough by keeping you. On that broad chest of yours there's plenty of room for some decorations, don't you think? That stupid swine answered: "Yes sir," although he nearly dirtied his pants with terror at the thought of getting nearer the front than 300 miles. "Well, well," went on "Backside and Boots" as he stared at him through his shining monocle. "Then we agree. I like to think my men are satisfied. You'll soon be back with an Iron Cross. And maybe you'll honour your old formation by getting a Knight's Cross. And you want an opportunity to distinguish yourself in the field?" "Yes, sir," sobbed the poor beast. He looked sick. "Good Hauptfeldwebel," said the commander. "Then you'll wish to be where things happen. So I have arranged for your transfer to the 104th. That's the bravest regiment in the division. There you'll have rich opportunities to show your soldierly qualities; qualities which we here have appreciated - until the other day when we, to our great regret, found you unable to distinguish between duty and leave, canteen and guard-room!" You should have seen him crawl out. He looked like a sick hen.'
    'Porta, come on, tell us a yarn,' asked The Old Un.
    'Of course, my boy, but what? You can't just say: "tell us a story".'
    'Tell us one with a bit of