Free Not To Us by Katherine Owen

Retrievers, babies .
    “Michael, is this possible ?”
    “I don’t know,” he says in an unsteady voice. “Carrie…could never conceive with me. That’s why we used a sperm donor for Elaina. But, Ellie, you have to have the chemo, you can’t keep this baby.”
    “What? No. Michael. No. We have to keep this baby. It’s a miracle.” These competing emotions of joy and fear run through me at an accelerated rate.
    “Ellie. This is your life we’re talking about. We have to do everything to fight the cancer. This baby is a complication we don’t need. Can’t you see that?”
    I’m surprised by his dire tone. He’s emphatic already as if we’re not even going to discuss this, so different from Robert where we always talked everything through.
    “Michael, this baby is a miracle. Can’t you see that?” I watch his face. It remains impassive and unmoving at my words. Anger begins to stir inside of me. I’m pregnant. I’m having a baby. It’s a miracle. It’s a sign of what path I need to take. Why can’t he see that? Why doesn’t he understand what this baby could mean? To me? To us? I move away from him as he reaches for me.
    “Ellie, we have to stay focused on treating your cancer.”
    “No.” I stand at the other side of the room and fold my arms across my chest. I lift my head in defiance and stare at him.
    Dr. Josh Liston returns and takes his formidable position behind his desk. I retake my chair. Michael remains standing.
    “First things first,” I say only to Josh. “You want to go back and look at the margins around the lumpectomy and the lymph nodes.”
    “Yes.”
    “Okay, when can we do that? And, I’ll just do a local, no general anesthesia.” Michael is out of his chair saying no, as I finish.
    “ Yes ,” I say. “Michael, we have to keep all our options open and do what’s best for this baby — our baby .” I give Dr. Liston a wide smile. He nods in this helpless, charming way at me.
    “I’ll get you scheduled first thing for Friday morning. We’ll do it as an outpatient procedure and no general.”
    “Great, thank you, Dr. Liston,” I say.
    “I’m scrubbing in, Josh,” Michael says from beside me. I can sense his tension just sitting next to him. I’m tempted to look over at him, but know he might mess with my resolve about all of this. I’m reeling from all the implications sounding brave, but feeling scared and elated all at the same time. My hormones seem to have taken off like a bottle rocket, since I learned I was pregnant ten minutes ago.
    “Do you really think that’s a good idea, Michael?” Josh asks.
    “Probably not, but, I’m doing it anyway.”
    “Okay.” I hear the audible sigh of frustration from Josh Liston.
    It matches the mood of all three of us, perfectly, for very different reasons.
    ≈≈

    It is after six at night on Wednesday. I’m back at Michael’s medical office, where he is drawing my blood himself. Elaina is with Emily and Mathew at my house. Nick will be coming home from basketball practice in the next half hour with pizza for all of them. Day ninety at the Bradford house for pizza.
    We must be setting some kind of world record. Emily is busy telling me about her day as I hold the cell phone to my right ear, while Michael draws blood from my left.
    “So, what did you do when got the word, giraffe, right, Em?”
    She tells me that she took a bow and sat down. I am laughing now. Michael is looking at me with a half-smile. “Hey, baby, I have to go. Michael is helping me with some tests. We’ll be home soon. I love you.” I hang up the cell phone and look at him.
    “The most precocious child I know,” I say. Michael can only nod at me.
    He sighs and gives me a studied look. “Okay, we’re all done. I had Stephanie wait around, so she can take these directly to the lab. I’ve asked them to a put a rush on them.”
    “What kind of tests are we doing?”
    “Just the standard genetic stuff, Ells,” Michael says with a