Free You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice by The Believer

assertion that Santa Claus is in fact Rush Limbaugh. A brief review of the evidence is both overwhelming and disturbing. For starters, they both like to chortle. Coincidence? I think not. Second, they both live in an imaginary universe in which they can say and do positively ridiculous things with the support and adulation of millions. And finally, they are both undeniably jolly! I’m sorry, Callahan, but it’s time you knew the truth about Santa Claus.
Ed
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    Dear Ed:
    Sometimes I forget to start with the little fork and go straight to the big fork. Is this a problem?
Name withheld
Rockford, IL
    Dear Name:
    This is a really good question and I hear it all the time. The answer is very simple. If you’re genuinely confused about which fork to use, as you clearly are, then you should take the little fork and stab yourself in the left eye. Then take the larger fork and stab yourself in the right eye. At this point you will be in a phenomenal amount of agony and you will be wondering if you will ever see another sunset again. Only then will you truly be free from the tyranny of fork-size equivocation.
Ed
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    Dear Ed:
    I can’t seem to have a restful night’s sleep these days, no matter how much booze I drink. What am I doing wrong?!
Jayson Rodgers
Baton Rouge, LA
    Dear Jayson:
    Your question is fundamentally flawed because it is avoiding the main issue. You have a serious problem. You are addicted to sleep. How many times have you blacked out while sleeping? And I’m willing to bet that when you are sleeping your entire personality changes: you are antisocial and not fun to be around. I don’t know you, but I would guess that sleep has begun interfering with your work and your relationships. These are warning signs. Clearly you love booze, which is wonderful, but your addiction to sleep is cutting in on the quality time you get to spend with alcohol. You need to stop sleeping altogether. For this I recommend cocaine.
Ed
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    Dear Ed:
    The word “unicorn” always makes me wonder: Why isn’t it “unihorn”? When I hear “unicorn,” I think that maybe somebody called it that because they thought the horn looked like a giant corn on the cob and so they just screamed out, “ONE CORN!” which evolved into “unicorn” … which makes me think that maybe unicorns are native to Iowa .
Ava
Sioux City, IA
    Dear Ava:
    Wow. You are really dumb. “Corn” is Latin for “horn,” as in “cornucopia.” Since Latin is the preferred language for all fauna nomenclature, both real and imaginary, a mono-horned horse is naturally called a unicorn. If anything, you should be asking why corn is named after the Latin word for “horn”! Jeez Louise!
Ed
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    Dear Ed:
    I live in a rural part of Texas, and I’m almost positive I saw a Bigfoot. A few times, actually. How do I let him (it?) know that I’m friendly and mean him no harm? Should I leave some milk and snacks on my front porch? What do Bigfoots eat anyway?
L.D .
Shreveport, TX
    Dear L.D.:
    Bigfoots sustain themselves on a strict diet of wild Fijian albacore sashimi with pea tendril salad, glazed couscous, asparagus tips, and red wine jus. Unfortunately, no human can prepare that dish to the exacting standards of a wild Bigfoot. That said, they have a less discerning sweet tooth. Try setting out some praline chicory coffee soufflé, coffee anglaise, and warm beignets. Just be careful because if the soufflé collapses, the Bigfoot will get very angry and might try to rape you.
Ed
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    Dear Ed:
    I’m pretty sure I saw a giant painting of Kim Jong Il in an upscale creperie a few weeks ago. What are your thoughts on this combination (Kim Jong Il and crepes)?
Anthony
Pensacola, FL
    Dear Anthony:
    It’s a little-known fact that Kim Jong Il, despite being a crazed, megalomaniacal despot, is one of the greatest crepe chefs in the world. You’ll find large portraits and even shrines to Kim Jong Il in creperies throughout the world. He has contributed immeasurably to