Free You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice by The Believer Page B

foreign. When I was very young, my great-grandmother, who was old and ill, asked me to read her to sleep. I selected Siddhartha because I surmised that I was in her will. She passed away during chapter two. I was amazed that she lasted that long.
Buck
    …
    Dear Buck:
    My husband only has one testicle. I try not to make him feel bad about it—his other ball was removed after doctors discovered it was cancerous—but every time I look at his groin, I think, Hitler only had one testicle, too. Is that terrible of me? My husband is a good man, and despite the unfortunate physical similarities, he has nothing else in common with one of the worst hatemongers in history .
Susan P .
Omaha, NE
    Dear Susan P:
    Heinrich Himmler, who was not only a Nazi butcher but also a famous ass-kisser, once said to Hitler: “Mein Führer, some men may see your scrotum as half-empty; I see it as half-full.” Susan, there are many men who are unitesticular, and it doesn’t mean that they’re anti-Semitic or about to invade Poland. One of our most famous bodybuilding strongmen (not, I assure you, our beloved California governor) was reputed to be gonadically challenged, and he has many friends of the Hebrew persuasion who find him to be socially charming and mildly threatening only when faced with scary deli food. Your problem, such as it is, puts me in mind of my favorite burlesque sketch, which I saw as a youth in Jersey City. Maybe you will think of this the next time you are staring at your husband’s sole orb of regeneration and chuckle instead of recoil. A married couple make their first visit to a nudist colony. In their cabin, the husband looks out the window and says: “My god, I’m not going out there with all those crazy people.” And the wife says: “Why are you calling them crazy?” And he answers: “Well, can’t you see their nuts?” I’m still laughing.
Buck
    …
    Dear Buck:
    I’ve been dating this guy for a few weeks and I think I really like him. But he’s in a wheelchair. When and if we finally have sex, what can I expect? Does he have to stay in the chair the whole time? And if not, can he be on top?
Cheers ,
N.D .
Holyoke, MA
    Dear N.D.:
    Wheelchair sex is not as complicated as it might seem, but it can be dangerous. Its customs and general usages go as far back as the Kama Sutra, which contains the first, and perhaps the only, recorded case of how to make love when one of the lovers is basically attached to a form of conveyance. I am too refined to give you the full details, but this moving tale involves a love-smitten gal from Calcutta and the object of her affection, a young prince who, because of a skating accident, was confined to an elephant. Need I say more?
Buck
    …
    Dear Buck:
    At what age is quitting your job and becoming a full-time carnie no longer socially acceptable?
Best ,
Eric
Augusta, ME
    Dear Eric:
    Quitting your boring and meaningless daily grind for the life of the open road and a close if not intimate relationship with really angry wild animals and lovable clowns who wear funny disguises to protect themselves from being pointed out by children in the audience whom they have touched inappropriately (if not killed and eaten) can never be considered a socially unacceptable choice. It is at the very least adventurous, and at worst suicidal. We are in an uncertain economy. But there will always be openings in the carnie for a powerful roustabout or—and I suspect this is more up your alley—a really hungry geek.
Buck

Mindy Kaling
    Dear Mindy:
    I read somewhere that dolphins are the only animals (besides humans) who engage in gang rape. Is that true? And if it is, should I remove the dolphin posters from my daughter’s bedroom walls?
Sincerely ,
D. Sachs
Pittsburgh, PA
    Dear D.:
    I am facing a similar situation. My teenage son fancies himself an artist. To that end, he has hung up a very unsettling print by M. C. Escher on his wall. There’s just something about a hand drawing itself that