Free You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice by The Believer Page A

the crepe-making oeuvre, perhaps most notably in his daring use of parsley and pine resin. Rumors abound about disturbing human rights violations in some of his crepe-testing laboratories, and his use of forced labor in crepe kitchens is well documented. However, no one can deny the dizzying lightness and delectable nuance of a Kim Jong Il–prepared lemon crêpe suzette.
Ed
    …
    Dear Ed:
    I’ve always heard that it’s not appropriate to wear white after Labor Day, but I never understood why. Is this reverse racism? What’s wrong with a little white clothing, as long as there aren’t any hoods involved?
Cooper
Sacramento, CA
    Hi Cooper:
    I recommend never wearing white after Labor Day, mainly because if you do I will murder you. Why? Because I want to cook your organs and eat them so that you will always be a part of me. This may sound weird, but it is rooted in a deep, abiding love for you. That said, I also understand that you may not want to be murdered, and that’s why I’m giving you the heads-up. Just know that it really doesn’t matter what color your clothes are. I’m probably going to murder you anyway.
Ed
    …
    Dear Ed:
    I really, really want to be famous, but I don’t have any talents. Acting, literary, or otherwise. I’m not even all that attractive. Now: How do I get famous?
Christopher
St. Paul, MN
    Dear Christopher:
    I admire your moxie and determination! It is clear from your letter that you already possess all of the necessary requirements to become famous. In particular, I would encourage you to cultivate your lack of talent, since that has clearly worked well for numerous celebrities. In addition, fame can often be obtained through association. To wit, try hanging out in nightclubs with people who are already famous, like Lindsay Lohan or Dick Cheney. Or might I suggest trouncing Rafael Nadal in the finals at Wimbledon. However you go about it, I wish you good luck and godspeed in your worthy and noble quest!
Ed

Buck Henry
    Dear Buck:
    Here’s what I remember: I started watching a kung fu movie marathon in college, and the next thing I knew I was thirty-four and unemployed. Should I try to figure out what happened to that lost time, or just cut my losses and get on with my life?
Regards ,
A Dude in Atlanta, GA
    Dear Dude in Atlanta:
    That’s what you think you remember. We will probably never know what really happened. There is creditable scientific and medical proof that steady exposure to endless repetition—be it of strobe lights, religious chants, Jody cadence (a military training term with which I am sure you are unfamiliar), the music of Don McLean, or even an evening of reality TV—can cause fainting, hallucinations, petit and grand mal seizures, time and space dislocation, and even that old W. C. Fields favorite, mogo on the gogogo. Kung fu marathons are designed to operate on the human limbic system—the sound effects, human grunting, blazing unnatural colors, dizzying athletic pyrotechnics, and pure silliness were designed (probably by General Yamamoto in the waning days of World War II) to stir the occidental brain into sludge. Even today the sound tracks of more than two thousand movies directed by and starring hundreds of people all named Lee are played day and night in the Guantánamo prison system as an adjunct to waterboarding. I’d leave your lost past alone if I were you. You might have been al Qaeda.
Cheers,
Buck
    …
    Dear Buck:
    I just read Siddhartha to impress a girl, and I’m having trouble thinking of anything to say about it that would sound sufficiently deep but not too pretentious. Any ideas?
Thanks ,
Joshua
Chicago, IL
    Dear Joshua:
    Be careful. A woman who would actually request that someone she ostensibly cares for should read Siddhartha is intellectually ruthless if not criminally insane. This is a trap. You must realize by now that there is nothing that you or anyone else can say about Hesse’s novel without seeming pretentious or, even worse,