Free Stuff White People Like by Christian Lander

for “Around the World” by Daft Punk. Then make a joke about how foolish you were at that age, and everyone will have a good laugh. But they will also feel your pain about sacrificing your artistic dreams.

69 Mos Def
    In the olden days of white culture, people used to look up to kings and princes. These were the people they adored, and every night they wished and hoped that somehow they could wake up and be just like them. But with royal families crumbling, that role has been filled by one man: Mos Def.

    He is everything that white people dream about: authentic (“He’s from Brooklyn!”), funny (“He was on Chappelle’s show!”), artistic (“Have you heard ‘Black on Both Sides’?”), an actor (“He’s in the new Gondry film!”), and not white (“I don’t see race”). He has done an amazing job of being in big-budget movies ( The Italian Job ) and having one of his songs (“Ms. Fat Booty”) become a white-person wedding staple but still retaining authenticity and credibility.
    If you find yourself in a social situation where you are asked to list your favorite actor or artist, you should always say Mos Def. That way you can name someone that everyone has heard of and you don’t look like you are trying to one-up anybody. The only possible negative consequence is some white people might think, “I wish I had said that first.”

70 Difficult Breakups
    Prior to engaging in divorce, most white people train for it by engaging in a series of long-term relationships that end very poorly. At some point you will likely encounter a white person who is in the middle of a difficult breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend.
    The suffering of heartbreak is universal, but it is important to be aware that white people thrive during these trying times. If you play your cards right, you can parlay these moments into future favors and valuable trust.

    The majority of white-person art is created after a difficult breakup; films, indie music, and poetry are all kicked into high production during the end of a relationship. This helps white people prepare for the pain that is coming.
    Once breakup proceedings have been initiated, a white person immediately becomes the center of attention in their circle of friends. During this time they are permitted to talk at great length about themselves, listen to the Smiths, and get free dinners from friends who think, “They shouldn’t be alone right now.”
    It is imperative that you do not attempt to kick them out of their misery by saying things like “Get over it,” “There are other people out there,” or “I don’t want to read your poem.” Implying that there are things in the world more important to you than their breakup is considered one of the rudest actions possible.
    If you are lucky enough to speak a second language, the best thing you can do for a white person in this situation is to give them an expression in that language that relates to breaking up. This will make them feel better since they are comforted by the gesture and happy to be learning a new expression that they can repeat to their friends.

71 Being the Only White Person Around
    This concept ties heavily into #7, Diversity, and #19, International Travel, but it is important that you fully understand how white people view authenticity and experience.
    In most situations, white people are very comforted by seeing their own kind. However, when they are eating at a new ethnic restaurant or traveling to a foreign nation, nothing spoils their fun more than seeing another white person.

    Many white people will look into the window of an ethnic restaurant to see if there are other white people inside. It is determined to be an acceptable restaurant if the white people in there are accompanied by ethnic friends, but if there is a table occupied entirely by white people it is deemed unacceptable. The arrival of the “other white people” at either restaurants or vacation spots instantly means that lines