Free Stuff White People Like by Christian Lander Page B

(in the case of the best parties) costume preparation. The first step for succeeding at an Oscar party is to get your language in order. You should never say “movie,” always say “film.” You should also familiarize yourself with which categories use the term “Best” and which use “Outstanding Achievement in.” Saying something like “I hope Atonement wins Best Art Direction” is a good way to guarantee you won’t be invited next year.

    We briefly touched on the importance of costumes, which can take a good white party and make it great. Oscar parties are no exception, and if you are invited to a party with a dress code, it is imperative that you arrive in costume or you’ll make everyone else feel like a jerk.
    Choosing a costume is fairly simple. It is always best to dress as a character from a nominated film. So for the 2008 Oscar party it might be best to put a pillow under your shirt and come as a pregnant teenager in tribute to Juno (but by no means should anyone bring an actual pregnant teenager). Dressing up as a character from a previous Oscar-winning film is also acceptable but seen as slightly less fun.
    Though it may not have been stated on the invitation, white people love to apply their party theme to the entire event, including food. Even if they have no plans for themed food, you cannot lose by bringing something that ties into the ceremony. Again using Juno as an example, if you were to come to the party with jugs of SunnyD, it would highlight your keen observation of detail when it comes to watching films. Then the white people will see that you watch films the same way they do. Also be prepared to be involved in an Oscar pool, but make sure you don’t win. If you do, just say that you were lucky.
    However, all of this preparation will mean nothing if you do not act correctly during the most important part of the night: when the nominees are read for Best Foreign Film. At this point someone will get angry and state that some movie that no one has heard of was snubbed. When this happens just nod and agree. Mention that it sounds interesting and that you will watch it tomorrow, even if you have already seen it and know that it’s boring.
    Basically what separates Oscar night from other party nights is that it allows white people to express themselves through their tastes in film. If they see that you are someone who agrees with a majority of their opinions, then they will be your friends and provide you with ample opportunities to sip wine and attend film festivals together.

75 Threatening to Move to Canada
    White people often get frustrated with the state of their country. They do not like the president, or Congress, or the health-care system, or the illegal status of marijuana. Whenever they are presented with a situation that seems unreasonable to them, their first instinct is to threaten to move to Canada.
    For example, if you are watching TV with white people and there is a piece on the news that they do not agree with, they are likely to declare, “OK, that’s it, I’m moving to Canada.”
    Though they will never actually move to Canada, the act of declaring that they are willing to undertake the journey is very symbolic in white culture. It shows that their dedication to their lifestyle and beliefs is so strong that they would consider packing up their entire lives and moving to a country that is only slightly different from the one they live in now. Within white culture, it is agreed upon that if Canada had better weather it would be a perfect place.

    Be aware that this information can be used quite easily to gain the trust of white people. Whenever they say, “I’m moving to Canada,” you must immediately respond with “I have relatives in Canada.” They will then expect you to tell them about how Canada has a perfect health-care system, legalized everything, and no crime. Though not true, it will reassure them that they are making the right choice by saying they want to