Free Stuff White People Like by Christian Lander Page A

will grow, authenticity will be lost, and the euphoria of being a cultural pioneer will be over.
    Being aware of this can be extremely valuable in your efforts to gain the trust of white friends and co-workers. If you take a white person to an ethnic restaurant and another white person (or group of white people) shows up, you can lose all respect and trust that you have worked so hard to acquire. Do your best to find a table with a divider, or ask the waiter to put future white people out of sight.
    Note: This does not apply to nightclubs.

72 Study Abroad
    In addition to accumulating sexual partners, binge drinking, drug use, and learning, white people consider studying abroad to be one of the most important parts of a well-rounded college education.
    Study abroad allows people to leave their current educational institution and spend a semester or a year in Europe or Australia. Though study abroad is offered to other places, these are the overwhelming favorites.
    By attending school in another country, white people are technically living in another country. This is important, as it gives them the opportunity to insert that fact into any sentence they please. “When I used to live in [insert country], I would always ride the train to school. The people I’d see were inspiring.”

    If you need to make up your own study-abroad experience, they all pretty much work the same way. You arrived in Australia not knowing anybody, you went out to the bar the first night and made a lot of friends, you had a short relationship with someone from a foreign country, you didn’t learn anything, and you acquired a taste for something (local food, beer, fruit). This latter point is important because you will need to be able to tell everyone how it is regrettably unavailable back home.
    It is also important that you understand the study-abroad ranking system. Europe/Australia form the base level, then Asia, then South America, and finally the trump card, studying abroad in Tibet. Then there is the conversation killer of studying abroad—Africa. If you studied in Africa, it is usually a good idea to keep it quiet; it will remind white people that they were too scared to go and they will feel bad. Use this only in emergencies.

73 Gentrification
    In general, white people love situations where they can’t lose. While this is already true for most of their lives, perhaps the safest bet a white person can make is to buy a house in an up-and-coming neighborhood.
    White people like to live in these neighborhoods because they get credibility and respect from other white people for living in a more “authentic” neighborhood where they are exposed to “true culture” every day. So whenever their friends mention their homes in the suburbs or wealthier urban areas, these people can say, “Oh, it’s so boring out there, so fake. In our neighborhood, things are just more real.” This superiority is important as white people jockey for position in their circle of friends. They are like modern-day Lewises and Clarks, except that instead of searching for the ocean, they are searching for old houses to renovate.

    In a few years, if more white people start moving in, these initial trailblazers will sell their property for triple what they paid and move into an ultramodern home. Credibility or money; either way, they can’t lose!
    When one of these white people tells you where they live, you should say, “Whoa, it’s pretty rough down there. I don’t think I could live there.” This will make them feel even better about their credibility and status as neighborhood pioneers.





74 Oscar Parties
    One of the best places to gain a white person’s trust is at an Oscar party. An invitation to one of these parties is your “foot in the door.”
    It is absolutely essential that you prepare in advance for the party. As you should know by now, white parties are never just about “showing up and having fun.” They require planning, preparation, and