Free More Letters From a Nut by Ted L. Nancy

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Full text of the above letter to follow.

WALT’S AIRPORT MATTRESS SHOP
ONLY KING SIZE MATTRESSES: ONLY AT THE AIRPORT
    560 No. Moorpark Rd. #236
    Thousand Oaks, Calif 91360 USA
    Mar 14, 1997
    Leasing Dept.
    TURKISH INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
    Esenboga Airport
    Ankara, Turkey
    Dear Airport Leasing Dept.:
    I want to open a branch of my chain: “Walt’s Mattress Shop” at your airport. I sell only king size mattresses and only to travelers. So if you’re at the airport and you want to buy a mattress come in.
    We offer only the finest king size mattresses. They are made with cobbler’s straw just like the old school. We keep our prices low because we take away the frills: No checks or credit cards, please. Strictly cash and carry. No delivery services, no sales people. No lifting on our part. (We DO NOT put your mattress on the plane!)
    Just stop in, choose your mattress, get it from one of the top four shelves, put it in a bag, give us the cash, and take it away. It’s as simple as that.
    Usually we are located between the Ultimate Cashew Store and the ladies room. Please tell me how I may lease airport space from you. (DO NOT mistake us for “Walt’s Airport Swimming Pool Tarps.” We are not them!) I look forward to a prompt reply. Thank you.
    Sincerely,

    Ted L. Nancy

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Dear Sir,
    We have received to your letter. But unfortunately we have no space at our airport to lease since our terminal buldings are little and narrow.
    There fore we have to give negative answer to you regardless what business you’d like to do.





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560 No. Moorpark Rd.
    #236
    Thousand Oaks, CA 91360
    Oct 21, 1996
    MS. Mariana Tilton
    NORMANDIE CASINO & SHOWROOM
    Vegas In L.A.
    1045 W. Rosecrans Ave.
    Gardenia, CA 90247
    Dear MS. Tilton:
    I am a 675 pound look a like for George Harrison. I am in a group called the “FAT BEATLES.”
    We have a tubby Paul who is 490 pounds. He is the cute fat Beatle. We have a huge John - 751 pounds and gaining. Could be 800 pounds by time of show. We may have to put him in something other than our collarless Beatle jacket as he cannot fit now. Yet he really wails as a fleshy John. Our drummer is a 585 pound Ringo. The girls go nuts when he woo woos and shakes his head. He has to be lifted onto his drum stool.
    Do you want to see our tape? We sing for 90 minutes then answer questions on what it’s like to be a FAT BEATLE. We are the best!
    Sometimes we have a thin Bachman Turner Overdrive open for us. (Can get in touch with them if you are interested). They are rail thin - less then 100 pounds each. They’re “SKINNY BTO.” We have a tape.
    Please let me know how the FAT BEATLES can play your theater? This is an act who’s time has come. I look forward to hearing from you soon. You should really see this tape.
    Sincerely,

    Ted L. Nancy
    George

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October 30, 1996
    Mr. Ted L Nancy
    560 N Moorpark Rd
    Thousand Oaks, CA 91360
    Dear Mr. Nancy
    I heard about the “Fat Beatles” from Mariana Tilton at the Normandie Casino, an account of mine. I would very much like you to send me a tape ASAP. This sounds like it could be a very enjoyable and profitable project.
    Sincerely,

    Marc Berman
    6233 Hollywood Boulevard, Los Angeles, California 90028 • 213•468•1700 FAX 213•468•9636

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560 No. Moorpark Rd #236
    Thousand Oaks, CA 91360
    8/28/96
    Administration
    CITY