Free Parenting the ADD Child: Can't Do? Won't Do? Practical Strategies for Managing Behaviour Problems in Children with ADD and ADHD by David Pentecost Page A

is to say, vague,
`flooded', question and plea commands, and the sort that start with
`Let's' and `We'll'.
    find alternatives that are more potent and more assertive
    • discover how to assert yourself effectively with your child.
    Clarify the message
    `All the world's a stage', and all parents have an audience - a child who is
constantly reading the messages you give off, verbal and non-verbal. As a
parent you need to play many roles: the toughie, the comforter, the organiser,
the referee and the dictator. We have to play them even when we don't feel
like it. That is the responsibility of parenthood. The question is - do you play
each role to the best of your ability?
    What we actually communicate and what we think we communicate are
not necessarily the same. Actions speak louder than words. When we send
messages out to others through our words, gestures, tone of voice and so on,
we hope that we pass on what we mean clearly and effectively. There is always a chance that our message may be received as something different
from what we intended.

    Have you ever found yourself saying something to someone and getting
the opposite reaction to the one you expected? Maybe you told a sad tale and
it provoked a smile. Perhaps you were talking normally and were told to
`calm down'. Has anyone ever come up to you and said, `Cheer up' when you
felt fine, or `What are you so happy about?' when you didn't know you were?
These simple examples illustrate that we cannot always be 100 per cent sure
that our communication skills are up to scratch. Oh, sure, sometimes it's
them and not you, but sometimes it isyou and that's what I will be looking at
improving here.
    Talking tough and sounding weak will confuse any child - especially a
child with ADD. You have to make your actual message match your intended
message. That means not only talking firm and decisive but also appearing
firm and decisive and being firm and decisive. Consistency is the byword with
ADD children: both consistency of verbal and non-verbal communication
and consistency over time.
    There are probably good reasons why your messages are sometimes
mixed. For example:
    • You may fear you will damage your child if you are stern or frosty.
    • You may worry that you will make her hate you if you stand firm
and don't relent.
    You may be reminded of issues from your own past - e.g. being
bullied, unloved or neglected.
    You may remind yourself of your mother or father, and you want
to be different.
    • You may be uncertain that you are doing the right thing.
    These feelings of guilt, distress or uncertainty will almost inevitably show
themselves in your body language. They may prevent you from getting the
job done effectively.

    It's hard to get her to do as she is told
    ADD kids resist commands because they think they can't succeed and find it
simpler to force you to back down. You are trying to counteract this by
pointing out to your child how often she pleases you and how successful she
can be. However, in the weeks ahead there is no escaping the fact that you
will need to assert yourself. From now on there will be many, many times
when you need to set limits firmly and enforce them. So practise in giving
no-nonsense commands is a priority at this point.
    The three key guidelines to issuing commands
    1. If you are going to give a command, think first whether you are
prepared to make sure it is carried out. Remember that the
difference between a command and a request is that you are
not prepared to give in or do it yourself.
    2. Commands work best when you have your child's attention.
Call her name and wait until she is looking at you before you
tell her what you want.
    3. Allow her time to comply. Children always test out their parents
to see if they really have to do a task. Don't be impatient.
Always give your child time to begin the task before you jump
in with another command.
    A new approach based on these guidelines is not