Free Parenting the ADD Child: Can't Do? Won't Do? Practical Strategies for Managing Behaviour Problems in Children with ADD and ADHD by David Pentecost Page B

difficult to learn. Keep your
commands short and use language your child can understand (this applies at almost
any age).
    First, you must beware of using ineffective commands - a trap that so
many parents fall into. These are the types of command to avoid:
    • vague
    `flooded'
    • question
    the sort that start with `Let's' and `We'll'
    plea.

    Avoid vague commands
    Look at the following example:
    'Put your toys away.'
    This command is too vague. It doesn't specify what needs to be done. Unless
you spell out exactly what you want, how can the child be sure she's obeying
you?
    A clearer message might go like this:
    'Put your toys away. I want the dolls in the box and the bricks in the jar, and
I want them both under your bed. I will be back in five minutes.'
    This is far more effective.
    Avoid `flooded' commands
    These are the sort that give too much information at once, such as:
    'I want you to put your toys away now. Don't mess around as usual, leaving
things around for me to pick up ... And don't come down till you've done
it! I've told you three times and this is your last warning.'
    Giving one command vaguely is bad enough, but this parent goes on giving
more and more instructions. I call these 'flooded' commands because the
information just keeps on coming. A lot of it is irrelevant. Stringing different
ideas together in this way will confuse the younger child. The verbiage
doesn't clarify the instruction - only dilutes it.
    Avoid flooding your commands with comments such as:
    'If I have told you once I have told you a thousand times.'
    'When will you learn? Eh - answer me! When will you?'
    Instead:
    'Toys away now! I will be back in five minutes'
    is usually sufficient.
    TIP FOR SUCCESS
    Always pause a little before commanding, so as to be clearer about
what you are going to say. Then be succinct.

    Avoid question commands
    Here are some examples of question commands:
    Parent: 'Are you going to hang your uniform up or not? Let's get it over with
now, shall we?'
    Child: 'No!'
    Parent: 'Are you listening to me? Are you going to do as you're told?'
    Child: [silence]
    Parent: 'Why are you acting like this? Do you want to make me cross?'
    Child 'Don't know'
    Have you lost sight of what the task is? This child clearly has. The classic
mistakes here are mixing questions and commands together. I know that
parents use questions like this to develop their children's reasoning skills and
get them to reflect. But don't do it when you are trying to give commands.
    A command is not a question. You want it done and you want it done now.
So turning it into a question is redundant and confusing. This parent has got
the child thinking about Mum's feelings rather than focusing on hanging up
his uniform!
    I suggest 'Hang up your uniform' will be more effective.
    Avoid `Let's' and `We'll'
    'Let's tidy the crayons away. C'mon, we want to be a good boy for Mummy,
don't we?'
    'Let's brush our teeth now, shall we?'
    'We'll get dressed on time this morning, won't we?'
    Phrases like 'Let's ...' and 'We'll ...' are fine as long as you intend to join in
and they aren't just commands in disguise. Many parents say, 'Let's' and
'We'll' when what they really mean is 'Do it.' They are then puzzled and
annoyed when their child expects them to take a hand or do it for them.
    TIP FOR SUCCESS
    If you actually think your child may need help, make it clear that
help is available if she asks for it. For example:
    'Do your teeth, sweetheart - if you have problems, just ask me.'

    Avoid plea commands
    `I would be very grateful if you would stop kicking!... Please.'
    Never mix up a command with a plea. Be straight and to the point.
    Pitfalls and new approaches
    Use the space below to jot down any pitfalls - ineffectual ways of
giving commands that you recognise in yourself.

    As a reminder for the week ahead, write down an alternative
approach.

    FINAL TIP FOR SUCCESS
    • Get your voice right - sound serious and firm. But avoid