Free Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! by John Pfeiffer

to feel lightheaded and see dancing babies in the aisles. Don’t be frustrated when she ends up with the solid black one, possibly the first one she looked at. “I think you made a smart choice, you’ll be a great mother” always earns brownie points.
Off-List Gifts
    Once this shower is underway, be ready for the few guests who buy off-list. Apparently they found nothing suitable on your registry, thought everything was too expensive (you planned it this way), or decided they were just a little bit wiser about what you and your unborn child will need (which is especially funny if they don’t have children). Most likely, they waited until the last second and all of the best — or less expensive — items were gone, or the husband was feeling rebellious. Either way, don’t you dare sweat it. You’ll end up with a pretty good haul of gifts when the dust settles after the event. If gift opening begins to bore, just imagine having to buy all of this stuff yourself. That should help perk you up.
    Step carefully and avoid stepping on any toes if a gift is something that you know right away won’t be used in your house. If Auntie Ethel gives you an old handcrafted oak crib, try not to blurt out “Firewood!” as you toss it aside because you just read an article labeling these types of cribs unsafe. She isn’t trying to hurt anyone, and when you see a gift horse, it’s not kind to look them in the mouth, much less kick their teeth in. No, whether the gift costs $250 or is something you know will not be used, give the same amount of thanks and move on. If Ethel comes for a visit and notices her crib is not in use, then politely inform her about the information you discovered, and let’s hope she understands.
Some Assembly Required
    Now we arrive at a less desirable destination. You’ve tried your best to research some important items for your new child. Once you achieved product enlightenment, you shrewdly registered for those items you really, really, did not want to shell out big bucks for, not from your own wallet. You withstood the baby shower itself. You may even have suffered through the tasting of various flavors of mush from tiny jars while wearing a diaper and a bib. What could possibly be worse?
    The answer appears in the small print of commercials where the manufacturer lets you know, in the vaguest terms possible, that “some assembly is required.” What this really means is that the manufacturer hopes you can read advanced schematic drawings, are as bendable as an Olympic gymnast, and are extremely handy with an Allen wrench.
    The best idea with a mountain of gifts in front of you needing assembly is to make sure all of them get done well in advance of Baby’s arrival.
    The best idea with a mountain of gifts in front of you needing assembly is to make sure all of them get done well in advance of Baby’s arrival. Once the baby makes an appearance, the premium you’ll place on sleep will make assembling these gifts difficult, to the point you’ll be mentally cursing the people who gave them to you. So whether you want to assemble two per week or pull an all-night assembly party, just make sure the deed gets done in time.
    Oh, and about the car seat: a sampling of 619 car seat installs in Pennsylvania in 2008 showed that almost 80 percent of them were installed incorrectly or were not the proper size for the child sitting in them. This isn’t something you want to get wrong. Babies have limited strength, especially when considering the strength of their neck muscles versus the weight of their head, so make sure you get this right. Search the web for an event in your area on proper installation.
Choosing a Name
    Stuff isn’t all your kid needs. He or she also needs a name. This can be problematic. I say that only because if you screw this up, your child is doomed for life. It never seems fair that the parents who bestow curses upon their children in the form of horrific names should get to roam the Earth