Free Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! by John Pfeiffer Page B

fancy with “We’ll call her Gert!” Her name has still preselected her to arrive solo at homecoming wearing Coke-bottle glasses. And don’t think you can solve that problem with the use-the-middle-name-as-the-first-name strategy. That just confuses everyone, including the kid, who won’t know what his monogram should really look like. Even if you aspire to be famous or simply rich, avoid the temptation to employ the celeb strategy of choosing confounding names. Apple doesn’t sound cool as a person’s name, even if your mother is Gwyneth Paltrow.
    Now let’s look at some specific naming recommendations. Eligible persons worthy of naming your children after can include great musicians and artists. Some say politicians (but my objection is that there aren’t any great politicians). It’s preferable to wait until these potential name givers are deceased — or at least really, really, old. This is mainly because prominent people can do some really stupid things. Imagine if in the early 1990s, as a hardcore Democrat, you decided to name your bouncing baby boy after President Bill Clinton. He would be slightly limited in his dating options, as he could never date from the pool of women named Monica. I am quite conflicted about the more recent trend of naming Junior after a city, state, or territory. I am for Dakota Fanning and Brooklyn Decker. Thumbs up. I think I would be willing to explore naming my unborn son Rome. But I’m not sure about Montana, because it carries too much baggage.
    The lists of top ten names by year are a ripe orchard of naming ideas. Let’s look at a sampling of the top ten from 2009 for boys and girls.
Girls
Isabella. It’s a lot of name for a little girl in my opinion. Shouldn’t Isabella be walking along the banks of the Seine? Perhaps on her way to eat escargots at a political rally for French workers to get more than their exploitive three months of vacation?
Emma. This reminds me of a plucky young teen with a can-do attitude. Perhaps I am just falling prey to the Emma Roberts hype machine.
Sophia. Again, this one seems a bit outsized for a cute little girl. Who can really follow in Sophia Loren’s footsteps? There’s nothing like putting on the pressure by forcing comparisons with Sophia Loren, who was once quoted as saying, “You have to be born a sex symbol. You don’t become one. If you’re born with it, you’ll have it even when you’re 100 years old.”
Abigail. I find this one kind of clunky, but it’s still pretty in the long run. Please do not shorten this to Gail. It’s a tough name to do really well with unless you are ridiculously pretty, personable, and humorous. Plus, if you read the name Abigail slowly enough, it turns into “A big Gail.” I think we all agree you can do better elsewhere.
Mia. If after much consideration you decide to name your daughter Mia, she’ll hopefully turn out to be more Mia Hamm (Gold-winning soccer player) than Mia Wallace (heroin-snorting Pulp vixen).
Boys
Alexander. Make his middle name The Great. How cool would that be? Alexander The Great Pfeiffer. This child is going places.
Joshua. If it’s good enough for U2 and their tree, then it’s fine with me.
Daniel. It’s a little too Karate Kid for me. Just make sure you make him paint the fence, sand the deck, and wax the car. Then at least he can kick the local bully’s ass and get the girl.
Noah. It is hard to go wrong with a Biblical name. It’s classic, and God-approved. When he reaches for an umbrella and packs your two Weimaraners into the car, make sure you stay close to him and get on the boat.
Anthony. Lots of famous people and characters to think about here. He could be Head of the Family someday. Of course, I mean starting his own family, not the stereotypical families in
The Sopranos
or
Goodfellas
.
Names to Avoid
    While we’re visiting this area, let’s cover some names to avoid. I would skip this section, but every year I meet more and more people who can’t seem