Free Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! by John Pfeiffer Page A

penalty-free. If your last name sets you up for obvious naming infractions, you, as a caring parent, need to take the situation out of play and not tempt fate. Mr. and Mrs. McCrackin have no business naming their son Phillip. And why would a nice churchgoing couple like the Pitts name their son Harry? C’mon, people, don’t do these things to your kids.
The Name Game
    No, I’m not talking about your internal debate on whether you’re going to require your child to refer to you as “P-Diddy” or “Big Papi.” I’m speaking of coming up with that perfect name for your child. Naming your child is a process that seems like it might be fun. In reality, it can be a trap-filled power struggle that you may not survive.
    It starts with an innocent question like, “What names do you like?” This is the time to open the vault and break out your favorite name for a boy and a girl. You know, those names you think are really cool, that you’ve picked out over time but simply never told anyone about. After unveiling your favorite names for a boy or a girl, you sit back with a satisfied smile on your face, waiting for your BMP’s look of admiration at your naming brilliance. Sadly, the girls' names you like will be met with under-the-breath comments such as, “Sounds like a stripper name.” And the boys' names will get vetoed for reasons you never saw coming, such as, “It doesn’t have the right number of syllables.”
    Baby-naming books only add to the confusion. After reading 500 or so names, you start talking yourself into names that really aren’t that great. I just found a website pushing the name Bridger really hard for a baby boy. On the off chance that it’s 2 A.M. and you’ve been at it for hours, you may actually fall prey to some baby-naming book’s seductive argument for Bridger. When your BMP shoots it down, a fight ensues. So just be careful with overuse of naming resources and today’s anything-goes mentality. It’s a thin line between a cool new name and one that makes your kid the butt of many jokes.
    A word of caution: never defend a name to the death just to assert your manhood. Your wife may eventually decide that if you feel that strongly about something involving your child, you should get your way, and you’ll have a son named Ellison because you watched the University of Louisville’s Never Nervous Pervis on ESPN Classic and decided to dig in your heels.
Dealing with Family Expectations
    Beware the input of the family. Although they have fond memories of Aunt Beatrice and want your baby to carry the torch, you’ll take the fall when your daughter sets the record for most high-school dances attended without a date. Tell family members who want a say to write their suggestions down on paper and deposit them into a box. After your family has gone home and it’s just you and your BMP, break out a bottle of sparkling grape juice, * mock them endlessly, and then deposit the box in the trash can or burn it.
    You’ll be just fine with your version of “Thanks for your thoughts and input on naming our child. Your opinion is important to us.” The coast is now clear and you are free to return to playing the “I am NOT suggesting Charles just because I love Chuck Norris” game with your partner. Although
POW I, II
, and
III
were a pretty bad-ass movies.
A Naming Rule
    Do not try to sneak in a name that represents something funny to you but if your wife finds out, you’re dead. I know it’s tempting. You’re thinking that every time you see your child, you’ll get a little giggle. Names of old girlfriends, that stripper you thought you loved in college, and your online avatar are off-limits. I hate to be the one to drop a heavy load on you, but your child will grow up and you’ll end up feeling like a jerk.
    Naming your child after a relative always sounds cool. But if you break out the family tree and find it full of Gertrudes and Harolds, then you have to give it up. Don’t try to get