Free The Average American Marriage by Chad Kultgen Page A

masturbating. I saw you.”
    I’m caught. There’s nothing I can do. She’s not being a good sport about this. I say, “Yeah. Sorry. I was horny.”
    She says, “Was that a guy and a babysitter or something?”
    I say, “Yeah.”
    She says, “Are you into that?”
    I say, “I don’t know. It’s porn.”
    As she stares at me like she walked in on me shitting into an ice cream cone and eating it, I try to imagine what it would be like if the roles were reversed. If I were to walk in on her fingering herself while she was watching porn, I’d go down on her instantaneously. I’d fuck the shit out of her until she came ten times. It would turn me on so much if I were to see her masturbating that I wouldn’t be able to help myself. But Alyna is disgusted by it. She says, “Can you at least lock the door or something if you have to do that?”
    If I have to do that. That phrase is all I can think about. She doesn’t realize or care that I only “have to do that” because she has lost all interest in fucking me. But even if we were fucking, I’d still need to jerk off, because I’m a fucking man. I wonder if she wants to fuck other people or if she’s lost interest in sex altogether. Somehow knowing that she just didn’t want to fuck me specifically anymore would be easier to understand, but I don’t think that’s the case.
    I say, “Why are you so pissed about this? We used to watch porn together when we first started going out. You used to have favorite actresses. You used to fucking bring porn home and suggest we do the shit the actors were doing.”
    She stands there not knowing how to react to this. The person I had to remind her she used to be is so far gone, she can’t even conjure the memory.
    She finally says, “Our kids are literally right outside the window,” then walks out of the office and back into the backyard.
    I sit there in my office chair, my hard-on softening, and look through the blinds. I see a woman who is disgusted by the sight of her husband experiencing sexual pleasure. I see my wife.

chapter eleven
    A Ride Home
    I ’m closing down my computer at work and finishing a list of calls I need to make in the morning when Holly knocks on the door frame of my office.
    I say, “Hey.”
    She says, “Hey.”
    â€œWhat’s up?”
    â€œUh, I know this is probably like a serious hassle, and it’s no big deal if you can’t do it, but I kind of need a favor.”
    â€œSure, what do you need?”
    â€œI kind of need a ride home. My sister borrowed my car to go to Santa Barbara for some work thing this morning, and she was supposed to have it back by now but she got stuck up there, and all of my friends are doing stuff and can’t pick me up and you’re like the only person I really know here, so I thought I’d ask. And, seriously, it’s no problem if you can’t. I can just call my parents or something but I was trying to not have to deal with them.”
    I imagine her giving me a hand job while I drive. I imagine her sucking my dick while I drive. I imagine pulling over on the freeway and fucking her in the passenger’s seat as cars speed by. I imagine smelling her pussy on my fingers the next day at work. I say, “No problem, just give me a few minutes.”
    She says, “Cool. Thank you so much,” and then goes back out to her desk.
    I sit back down at my desk and send Alyna a text telling her I’ll be home a little late because my boss wants me to get some reports that don’t actually exist ready for an early meeting tomorrow that will not actually take place. She texts back acknowledging my excuse and asking if she should leave dinner out or in the fridge. I respond by telling her to put it in the fridge and to kiss the kids goodnight for me if I don’t make it back in time to tuck them in. I end by