Free Me Without You by Kelly Rimmer Page B

with how casual I sounded. The truth was I felt so nervous I had put my coffee down so that she wouldn’t see me shaking. If she asked me to leave, and not to contact her again, I wasn’t sure how I’d handle it.
    It was her turn to sit silently for a painfully long moment. This time the ocean didn’t fill the silence at all, and I felt exposed and in danger. When she finally reached across and took my hand, I could have done a cartwheel over the balcony.
    ‘Okay,’ she said slowly. ‘We’ll take it day by day.’

4
    Lilah
    S unday 30 August
    So. Apparently I have something like a lover for the first time in five years. And, also possibly new for me, I no longer have anything like a spine.
    Callum has just left, after spending two days and nights with me. Two nights . I distinctly remember promising myself Friday night that I would not sleep with him again, that we would keep it to dinner, and then I would immediately resume my new commute via car and never speak to him ever again.
    This time I can’t blame it on being caught off guard. Yes, maybe I went overboard on the wines at dinner, but it wouldn’t have made much difference if I’d stuck to water.
    There are no awkward silences with Callum. When the conversation fades, I can sit with him and be at ease. These last few years I have felt like there is always something to prove, another fight shuffling to the top of the queue demanding my full attention—as if I owe the world something just for being here. It is busy in my mind, too busy even to journal until now, but when he is with me I am fully in the moment. The rush of thoughts slows, and I forget all of the good reasons why we can’t have a future, because the present is just potent enough to distract me from them.
    We talked Saturday morning and I tried to explain to him that I just couldn’t see him anymore. I didn’t try very hard, because when push came to shove, I didn’t want to convince him at all. So we agreed to take it moment by moment, and I made another promise to myself. After lunch, I’d send him home, and I’d do some work.
    But then we decided to go for a walk along the Corso. We were any young-ish professional couple walking hand in hand, just going for a casual stroll with our takeaway coffees, making the most of the weekend. We walked through the farmer’s market and while I bought some vegetables, Callum snuck into a takeaway shop and emerged with greasy hot chips and fish cocktails for morning tea then laughed at my disgust. And then I tried on hats and jokingly posed for him. He watched through the store window then he pantomimed a fashion photographer. It was so silly, ridiculous actually, but we laughed so loud that other people glanced our way and I saw one older lady flash me a knowing smile. She thought we were in love, and I wondered if she was thinking of a long-lost love of her own. This is what people do, isn’t it? They meet someone who makes them laugh, and they laugh together, and the years melt away.
    And all of these deliciously ordinary things these last few days have been so much fun. I own so many hats that it's ridiculous and I can’t remember buying a single one of the others, they are just an instrument I use to try to avoid the freckles that I know I can’t avoid. The black felt bucket hat I bought today will be different. This one holds a memory.
    He went home then just to get some spare clothes, and later we decided to go for a run along the beach together. I was confused when he put his runners on. Apparently he wears shoes, even when he runs on sand, which quite frankly seems insane to me. It’s a pretty well-established fact that the human foot has evolved to run bare. When I said as much, Callum clutched his expensive running shoes to his chest in mock-horror and pointed out that he hadn’t mentioned my bare feet all day so the least I could do was let him wear his shoes.
    And so we did the length of the beach, me at my top speed, him barely