Free A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens by Kate Williams

against despair.
When we are in despair, we are of no use to our children. Underneath my despair is often shame and the fear that I've damaged my child, that we will never recover, that the cycle will go on and on.
That's when we most need to find hope. When I recognize I'm falling into despair and shame, I deal directly with the labels my mind throws up in my

 

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facethose words that come out of psychologists' reports and studies, such as overinvolved mothers and Adult Children who ... These words can cause me to feel sad and ashamed and discouraged. I can say, "What's the point of even trying?" Once I was at a conference and a psychologist said, "Incest victims are the most difficult to treat." I felt ashamed, even though the speaker didn't intend to be shaming. Other descriptions have had the same effect on me. When I first went to Al-Anon and read the handout called Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics, 1 I thought, "Wow, this is really a heavy load to overcome."
Now I have a more gentle attitude toward myself. I may decide this is my year to work on self-acceptance. Next year I'll work on money problems. I don't have to do everything at once. So if my child is in the hospital, this must be the year to work on my issues dealing with motherhood. It's time to turn my attention to her and our relationship.
Dealing with Shame and Despair
None of us has been the perfect mother or father. There is no such parent. When we make a mistake, we need to break through our denial, admit that what we are doing is hurtful, and then work on changing our behavior. We can ask God to remove our imperfectionsin my case, my anxiety, my

 

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fear, and my desire to crack jokes rather than cry. God does not want us to wallow in pain over old mistakes. We are supposed to get on with our lives. How can this be accomplished? I remind myself often, "We are all creatures of the earth. We have feet of clay. We are not birds of the air. We are not the dolphins of the sea. We are not the forces of nature: fire, lightning, wind. We are simply creatures living a physical life who make mistakes, who learn slowly, who sometimes even might be called slow learners."
When I work on changing my behaviors and releasing despair, I use affirmations and private rituals as a form of prayer, conducting some traditional spiritual practices. My spirituality is a hodgepodge of beliefs and practices, and the organized groups I belong to offer a lot of room for personal interpretations and practices.
Which practices from your heritage could help you deal with your shame and despair? Which new practices could be of use to you?
Jill Breckenridge, author of How to Be Lucky, has written affirmations in response to the list of Adult Children of Alcoholics, often called the "Laundry List" of adult children of alcoholics. Affirmations are positive statements that can be spoken out loud or written. They help bring a new reality into being when they are expressed. When I am in despair, I focus on one affirmation and write

 

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it down over and over. Then I say it as I take my walk. The Laundry List, written by Tony A., and Breckenridge's affirmations (in italics) appear below.
Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Affirmations to Heal These Dysfunctions
1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
I am connected to others and hold my own.
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
I am God-centered and seek approval from God for who I am.
3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
I accept criticism serenely as a chance to grow.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
I no longer fear abandonment.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
I give up being a victim and help