Free A Little Bit of Us by A. E. Murphy

how will I be when I actually have him? What if I don’t love him enough, what if I fail? He’s just a baby, an innocent little being with no choice in this and he gets stuck with me as a mom. At least he has James for when I do suck. That helps me feel a little bit better.
         I don’t doubt that I’ll love him.
     
    And you will.
     
        I don’t doubt that I’ll tr easure him. I doubt my abilities as a person to give him what he needs emotionally. There are so many things I’ve messed up in my life I don’t want this poor little thing on the receiving end of my bullshit like so many before him.
     
    You’re being morbid because you’re tired. Go to sleep and think more in the morning.
     
    Now that sounds like a grand plan.
     
     
         I don’t know why but I had a dream last night about a certain event in my life, it was about James’ proposal. I remember it like it was yesterday.
         A week after my father told me to marry James, he called me and invited me to the Ritz for dinner. I knew what was coming, I remember feeling like the world was about to end, much like I do now. He picked me up looking handsome as usual in a black tailored suit. The full memory is obviously hazy but from there we sat at a table in a private room. He was nervous, all of his movements were shaky and a little clumsy. He even tipped his glass over at one point. Fortunately it was only water and the wave missed us both. Still funny though.
         Like the bitch I was (and still am) I said, “Look, we both know why we’re here. Let’s just get the ring on , discuss the terms and go home to our lives.”
         His mouth fell open in shock, he obviously found it funny , probably thinking I was as nervous as him. I wasn’t, I was just impatient and annoyed with the situation, that and because I wanted to see the ring he’d chosen. “Ok. Sure.” He went to stand, no doubt to get on his knee. I stopped him, there was no need for romance so I held out my hand. Keep in mind I wasn’t in a good place as it was with my father being ill and all. “Maya Elizabeth Johnson. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”
         “Yep,” I replied with a fake grin and held out my left hand. Kudos to the man, he picked a good ring, it is a gorgeous platinum band with intricate carvings leading to the huge square stone in the middle. Perfect and elaborate, exactly how I liked and still like things. My fake grin soon turned real, “This is beautiful. Truly, it’s perfect.”
         Christ I even remember straight after this I got a text from Paul asking me to come over. It was the first text in ages as we normally just had sex if we ever bumped into each other. He was a good lay though. Wow that sounds vulgar, I apologize. He was good in bed.
         The worst part of this is when James took me home I could tell he was expecting me to invite him up by the way he was shifting and the fact he walked me to the door, I was living with my father as I figured he would’ve needed constant care soon enough.
         When I stopped at the door to say goodnight he instantly leaned in and gave me the sweetest kiss I’ve ever received, he kissed me with a barely there tongue and a light brushing of lips. It made me burn in ways I’d never felt. So why you ask, why didn’t I sleep with him? This is because during the dinner, after accepting the engagement ring we decided to spend the next year until our wedding, free to do as we please, discretely of course. Worst conversation ever. I think I really broke his heart that moment when I said I wasn’t ready to settle quite yet, it was his idea though, he proposed the whole freedom until our wedding thing but I think he was secretly hoping I’d say let’s start now.
         “I should go,” I said and pointed to the door with my thumb. He nodded looking slightly baffled and a little hurt. “Thank you for this,” I flashed my ring. “And for the wonderful