Free The Inspector-General by Nikolái Gógol

kick,
(shows with his foot)
and throw him out.
Do you hear? Hush—hush!
    He goes out on tiptoe, preceded by the Sergeants.
    CURTAIN

Act IV
*
    SCENE: Same as in Act III.
Scene I
    Enter cautiously, almost on tiptoe, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy
Filippovich, the Postmaster, Luka Lukich, Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky in
full dress-uniform.
    AMMOS. For God's sake, gentlemen, quick, form your line, and let's have
more order. Why, man alive, he goes to Court and rages at the Imperial
Council. Draw up in military line, strictly in military line. You, Piotr
Ivanovich, take your place there, and you, Piotr Ivanovich, stand here.
(Both the Piotr Ivanoviches run on tiptoe to the places indicated.)
    ARTEMY. Do as you please, Ammos Fiodorovich, I think we ought to try.
    AMMOS. Try what?
    ARTEMY. It's clear what.
    AMMOS. Grease?
    ARTEMY. Exactly, grease.
    AMMOS. It's risky, the deuce take it. He'll fly into a rage at us. He's
a government official, you know. Perhaps it should be given to him in
the form of a gift from the nobility for some sort of memorial?
    POSTMASTER. Or, perhaps, tell him some money has been sent here by post
and we don't know for whom?
    ARTEMY. You had better look out that he doesn't send you by post a good
long ways off. Look here, things of such a nature are not done this way
in a well-ordered state. What's the use of a whole regiment here? We
must present ourselves to him one at a time, and do—what ought to be
done, you know—so that eyes do not see and ears do not hear. That's
the way things are done in a well-ordered society. You begin it, Ammos
Fiodorovich, you be the first.
    AMMOS. You had better go first. The distinguished guest has eaten in
your institution.
    ARTEMY. Then Luka Lukich, as the enlightener of youth, should go first.
    LUKA. I can't, I can't, gentlemen. I confess I am so educated that the
moment an official a single degree higher than myself speaks to me, my
heart stands still and I get as tongue-tied as though my tongue were
caught in the mud. No, gentlemen, excuse me. Please let me off.
    ARTEMY. It's you who have got to do it, Ammos Fiodorovich. There's no
one else. Why, every word you utter seems to be issuing from Cicero's
mouth.
    AMMOS. What are you talking about! Cicero! The idea! Just because a man
sometimes waxes enthusiastic over house dogs or hunting hounds.
    ALL
(pressing him)
. No, not over dogs, but the Tower of Babel, too.
Don't forsake us, Ammos Fiodorovich, help us. Be our Saviour!
    AMMOS. Let go of me, gentlemen.
    Footsteps and coughing are heard in Khlestakov's room. All hurry to
the door, crowding and jostling in their struggle to get out. Some are
uncomfortably squeezed, and half-suppressed cries are heard.
    BOBCHINSKY'S VOICE. Oh, Piotr Ivanovich, you stepped on my foot.
    ARTEMY. Look out, gentlemen, look out. Give me a chance to atone for my
sins. You are squeezing me to death.
    Exclamations of "Oh! Oh!" Finally they all push through the door, and
the stage is left empty.
Scene II
    Enter Khlestakov, looking sleepy.
    KHLESTAKOV
(alone)
. I seem to have had a fine snooze. Where did they get
those mattresses and feather beds from? I even perspired. After the meal
yesterday they must have slipped something into me that knocked me out.
I still feel a pounding in my head. I see I can have a good time here.
I like hospitality, and I must say I like it all the more if people
entertain me out of a pure heart and not from interested motives. The
Governor's daughter is not a bad one at all, and the mother is also a
woman you can still—I don't know, but I do like this sort of life.
Scene III
    Khlestakov and the Judge.
    JUDGE
(comes in and stops. Talking to himself)
. Oh, God, bring me safely
out of this! How my knees are knocking together!
(Drawing himself up
and holding the sword in his hand. Aloud.)
I have the honor to
present myself—Judge of the District Court here, College Assessor
Liapkin-Tiapkin.
    KHLESTAKOV. Please be seated. So you are the Judge here?
    JUDGE. I was elected by the