Free The Education of Sebastian & the Education of Caroline by Jane Harvey-Berrick

heard his key in the lock, and then remembered that I’d shaved Sebastian’s hair in the bathroom. I raced in and fell to my knees, sweeping up the sun-blond hair with my hands and tossing it down into the toilet bowl.
    A sudden desire to have something of Sebastian made me pick up one lock and shove it deep inside the pocket of my robe. Then I pulled the handle and watched fascinated as the rest of the hair was swirled away. I splashed some water on my face and ran a brush through my knotted hair.
    I heard a crash in the living room. As I’d expected, David was drunk.
    “Car’line … Car’line.”
    He saw me and licked his lips.
    “Beau’ful Car’line. Bella, bella!”
    I tried to lift one of his arms over my shoulder so I could help him to the bedroom, but he pushed me off, tugging open my robe. He ran his hands over my breasts as I tried again to steer him stumbling toward the bedroom.
    “Come on, David, give me some help here.”
    “What I’d like to give you, Car’line. C’mere.”
    He tried to grab me again but missed and fell face first onto the bed. He was asleep instantly.
    With relief, I straightened my robe and then pulled off his shoes and socks. His uniform would be un-wearable in the morning.
    Glad of something to do, I hunted around in the closet until I found a clean shirt and the rest of his spare service summer whites. The pants would need pressing.
    I’d tucked the portable ironing board into a closet in the utility room. I pulled it out, wincing when a mop clattered to the floor. But David didn’t stir.
    I set the iron to ‘hot’, finding some equilibrium in the familiar drudgery.
    I was appalled by what I’d done. What part of ‘forsaking all others’ wasn’t clear? And with a child! Dear God! I deserved to burn in purgatory for all eternity. But I couldn’t think of Sebastian as a child, even though the law defined him as such. He’d made love to me; we’d made love together.
    I knew it was wrong: I knew it was right.
    I’d have to leave. I’d have to persuade David to take an assignment somewhere else. But what excuse could I give? That I missed my friends on the east coast? No, that wouldn’t even give him pause for thought during the length of a coffee break. That I wanted to be nearer to my mother? No, he’d never believe that. My brain was empty of further excuses.
    Maybe I could leave? Leave David, start again somewhere else—no job, no home, no money? It was a terrifying prospect. I’d never been alone my whole life; I didn’t know how to do it.
    Miserable, pathetic, whore!
    And then a new fear threatened to derail me—I hadn’t used any contraception.
    “NO!”
    I wailed out loud, then threw a hand over my mouth. “Shit! SHIT! FUCK!” David grunted but carried on snoring.
    I wasn’t on the pill, I had no need; David was as infertile as the Gobi desert. But Sebastian … oh God!
    I tried to organize a list of urgent jobs for the morning but all I could think was, what if I’m pregnant? For the briefest of moments I imagined an alternate universe where I was the mother of a blond-haired child with eyes the color of the ocean, with a husband who loved me. But that’s all it was: a moment.
    Plan B Emergency Contraceptive—that was my priority. At least I could buy it over the counter. I’d have to drive into the city or somewhere I wasn’t known.
    How could I be so stupid?
    Everything I’d done in the last 12 hours had been lunacy. What on earth was wrong with me?
    I realized belatedly that I’d ironed David’s pants to within an inch of their shiny-ass life. I let the iron cool and tiptoed into the bedroom to lay out the rest of the uniform. David was K-O-ed. I stared down at the man who was my husband, for better or worse. I gazed for so long, my eyes were dry. How curious. I couldn’t put a name to what I felt when I looked at him. Maybe something, maybe nothing. My emotional gauge was running on empty; I think it had been that way for a long time.