Free Losing Me Finding You by Natalie Ward

back.
    Ben.
    My Ben.
    He’s here with me. He’s here and he’s holding my hand. He’s found me…I can’t believe he’s found me. I find my strength now and force my eyes to open. Force them to focus on the man who’s sitting beside my bed, holding my hand in both of his, his lips still pressed against my skin.
    “Evie,” he says when he sees I’m awake. He leans in closer as he brushes the hair back from my face, just like he used to. It’s no longer just a memory now, it’s real, it’s happening. “Thank god you’re okay, baby. It’s going to be okay. I promise, I’ve got you, Evie. I’ve got you.”
    And my heart’s melting and I’m crying and I can’t believe he’s found me again.
    Ben. My Ben.

1st November 1992
    Sixteen years old

    The next time I open my eyes, it’s easier. A weight has been lifted, not just from my head, but also my heart. My whole body feels unshackled, as though it’s finally free. But at the same time, I feel anchored, as though I finally understand where I’m supposed to be.
    The room is light now and as I turn my head, I see Ben sitting on a chair beside my bed watching me. He’s smiling as he half stands and leans in to press a kiss to my forehead. I smile as he pulls back and I see my fingers reach up to push the hair off his face.
    “Hey, baby,” he says, his voice a whisper. “Miss me?”
    It’s such a simple question, but the meaning behind it, the answer, is so much more complicated, for both of us. I haven’t just missed him; I’ve craved him, even before I knew what I was missing in the first place. And the way Ben’s looking at me now, the blue eyes that are holding mine, the tiny smile on the mouth I’ve missed kissing, I know he feels exactly the same way.
    I try to speak, “Al…” but I can’t get the word out because my throat feels like I’ve swallowed razor blades. “Ye…” The words won’t come, so I just nod at him, slide my hand to the back of his neck now and pull him back towards me. Ben’s smile widens as he leans in and presses his lips softly against mine. I kiss him, and finally get back what I’ve been missing for the last eight months.
    “Here,” Ben says, grabbing the water from beside my bed. “Have some of this, it’ll be easier to talk.”
    I sit up and realise I’m in a hospital bed, wrapped in a hospital gown. I notice a tube leading from me, to a tank that’s sitting next to my bed, and discover I have an oxygen tube running under my nose, which I’m now pulling off.
    “No, Evie, don’t,” Ben says, taking my hand away. “You need it.” He hands me the cup of water, which has a straw, and as I take a drink I relish the cool refreshing water that immediately calms my throat down. “More?” Ben asks when I finish. I nod and he refills it and I drink a second cup before I finally feel like I can talk.
    “Thank you,” I breathe out, watching as Ben smiles at me. “What, what happened?” I finally ask, my voice raspy.
    Ben sits down and takes my hand in his again. “There was a fire, in your house,” he says, his voice measured in a way that I know means he’s trying to control his anger. “It was only on the second floor, but you were trapped.”
    I swallow, the memory of opening my bedroom door and seeing all the flames still fresh. “And my parents?” I ask, although I’m not sure why I really care seeing as they don’t appear to care about me.
    Ben’s face darkens and I feel his fingers tighten around mine. “Yeah, they’re fine,” he bites out. “They were downstairs and managed to get out with no worries at all.”
    Oh. “How did the fire start?” I ask him.
    Ben clears his throat, shifting in his seat almost as though he’s embarrassed. “Apparently from a lit cigarette,” he says. “Someone left one burning in the upstairs bedroom, forgot about it.”
    I close my eyes as my head falls back against the pillow. She did this; I know straightaway it was her. She always lights her