Free No More Mr. Nice Guy! by Unknown

either join in actively or stay withdrawn. His quiet periods were often a signal that he was emotionally distraught. When an opportune time arose, I told Reid that he seemed withdrawn and I asked how he was doing.
    Once the attention of the group focused on him, his appearance shifted from detachment to terror. "I almost didn't come tonight." He whispered softly as he looked down at his hands. "In fact, I was thinking about quitting the group."
    A couple of the guys reflected the concern of the whole group by asking what was going on.
    "I just feel so terrible," Reid continued, "I've done something so terrible, I just didn't know if I could face all of you."
    My thoughts began to race as to what he could have done that might cause the group rise up in judgment against him. One of the group members asked if he was having an affair.
    "No, worse." Reid responded. "I've done something so terrible, I don't even know if I can tell you about it."
    As the group offered their support and encouragement, Reid broke through his fear and shame and began to open up.
    "Last week I got reprimanded by my boss and then I got into a fight with my wife. I was so depressed that I went out and bought a fifth of Vodka and got drunk. I've been on a binge ever since and I just can't make myself stop."
    Tears were running down Reid's face as the shame of his addiction to alcohol raised its ugly head once again. He had been clean and sober since joining the group six months earlier. He was active in AA, but had experienced a number of slips and relapses in his 12 years of recovery.
    A group member handed him a box of tissues and Reid wiped his eyes. He then continued telling his story and revealing his shame in between sobs.
    "I'm back to all my old ways of lying and manipulating. I'm totally out of control."
    I asked if he had called his sponsor or gone to a meeting since this began. He shook his head and shared that he had slipped so many times that he didn't think anyone would care or want him back.
    Various members of the group shared with Reid that they didn't think he was bad nor did they have judgment of him. They could see that he was hurting. They told him that they had great respect that he came into group and revealed what was going on, especially since he had so much shame about it.
    After a few moments, Reid revealed, "That's not all. There's more." He began to sob once again. Lifting his hand to his forehead he shook his head as in disgust for himself.
    "It gets worse. I went to the peep shows near my work two times this week." He turned his eyes to the floor and wept almost uncontrollably. "I had been doing so good." he choked out between sobs, "Now I've blown it all. I feel totally worthless and don't want to go on living. I've made a mess of everything."
    For the rest of the hour, the group supported Reid and encouraged him to go all the way through his shame. They reassured him that he wasn't bad and that no one had judgment of him. To the contrary, everyone respected him for revealing his shame and pain. They supported him in talking to his wife, calling his sponsor and going to a meeting. They asked him to call one group member each day during the next week and let them know how he was doing.
    When Reid left the group that night, he was obviously shaken and scared. He had also released a heavy burden and received the support of a group of people who genuinely cared about him and wanted him to be OK. No matter how deeply Reid feared that his badness would cause people to judge him and abandon him, neither of these things happened. Instead, he received the message that there was nothing he could do that would make the men in the group stop liking him or stop caring about him.
    Shedding Old Skin
    As recovering Nice Guys release their toxic shame and start seeking their own approval, they begin to realize several important truths.
    ● They are not bad.
    ● They don't have to do anything to win other people's approval.
    ● They don't